Ugh, January

I really, really don't like January. I'd say I hate it, except that seems a little strong a word.
January is the worst month for me - right up there with November in the suckage, except that November at least has Thanksgiving and the anticipation of Christmas. January has none of that.
There's this:
Gray skies.
Bare trees.
Dry grass.
Bitter cold.
And the knowledge that another month and a half of winter waits.

January is knowing that you've made some progress, but not nearly as much as you'd like. It's like waking up thinking it's Friday only to discover that it's Wednesday - not even close.

I know I'm not alone in this craptacular winter feeling, but it sure feels that way sometimes. My skin is peeling, my hands cracking and bleeding - no matter how much cream I rub into them with obsessive care, my eyes are dry and itchy, and I can seem to warm my toes at all.
But the worse part is that heaviness, the lethargy, the feeling that I'm suffocating under the weight of too much gray.... I just don't feel like myself; I don't feel quite as alive.

January.

What a let down.

Throw in the fact that I just got back from Puerto Rico two weeks ago, and you can see why I'm feeling this way.
Gosh, I miss it. Miss it so much. I miss the sun, of course, and the sweet air, thick with humidity. I miss the walk to the bakery, the warmth of family and friends that might as well be family. I miss the closeness and the chill vibe of Latino culture with that healthy dose of Puerto Rican bravado. I miss speaking Spanish, I miss coquís at night, I miss the warm rain in the day - especially the times it rains while the sun's still out. Man, I miss PR. Here's the thing - no place has ever felt as consistently like home to me as Puerto Rico does. It's been the only constant place in my nomadic life.

Place means something to me in a way that I can't even explain. I refer to time periods by place. Ask me when something happened and I'm more likely to tell you a place than a year. "When did you graduate from middle school?" - "When I was in Illinois." Yeah, that's a time to me.... But the point is, that right now, when I feel less anchored to geographic place than ever before, Puerto Rico is that one place that I can hold onto. It's the thread that's run through my whole life - the place where all time lives.

Man, I miss Puerto Rico. Especially in January.

Lookin' forward, lookin' back

First blog of the new year, and yeah, it's been awhile. I've got a few things that have been tumblin' in my head, and I've finally got the time and patience to sit down and write it out.

So first, a look at 2008 in numbers.
One: Amazing tattoo I got in March. Yeah it hurt; yeah it was worth it. I still love it every time I see it.
Two: The number of weddings in which I was the maid of honor and the number of times I went to Puerto Rico. Two of my favorite women were happy and beautiful brides and I'm glad to have been a part of it. And while the second time in PR was MUCH better than the first, it was so, so, so good to see my family twice in one year under happy circumstances.
Three: The number of times I moved in 2008 and the number of years I taught at Gar-Field. I cried the day I left because it was a good experience. I loved my students, loved my coworkers, felt mostly supported by the administration team.... I can't complain about my experience at G-F, and there will always be a special place in my heart for that place. Also, three is the number of extracurricular activities which I (co)sponsored in 2008. Oh, and the number of months B and I dated in 2008. :)
Four: The number of courses I took my first semester of grad school - and the number of "A"s on my report card. Alright, full-disclosure: two "A"s and two "A-"s. It still counts. Also, the number of preps I had at G-F: Spanish for Native Speakers 1, 2, and 3, as well as IB Spanish A2 - a Spanish lit and culture class. Finally, it's the number of Twilight books I lost sleep over. What an addiction!
Five: The number of days per week I spent working during my "summer vacation". It was the first time since college that I worked over the summer, and I enjoyed my time running that little camp in DC, despite the issues with the site itself. Also, it's the number of regulars I had in my Sunday School class. Love those kids....
Six: The number of classes I taught at Gar-Field (what a year!), and the number of major US cities I visited in 2008: New York, DC, Boston, Philly, Pittsburgh, and LA.
Seven: The number of major US cities I visited in 2008 if I count the hour I spent at BWI - maybe I should add Baltimore to the list? ;)
Innumerable: The number of hours "wasted" on YouTube and/or Facebook, the number of articles and books I read for class, the number of gallons of gas I burned through sitting in traffic, the number of all nighters I pulled, the adventures, the laughs, the tears, the lessons, and the smiles.

And not so much in numbers - I'm so grateful for all the amazing people I met, for the people with whom I reconnected (thank God for facebook!), for my amazing family, for B, for my classmates, for my church here and my church back in VA.... In short, I'm glad for the good things this year. I'm glad I learned some hard lessons and that God has been beyond faithful in all things. Even if I did spend the New Year at Dulles' baggage claim #10, and I lost my Cinna-Love in April (gosh, I still miss that dog so much it hurts sometimes), it was a good year.

And looking ahead to 2009 - who knows?
First there's this thing I like to call "The Rest of My Life" that will be staring me in the face around mid-June. I'll be finished with grad school, si Dios quiere, and ready to work in a big girl job that may not give me summers off to go traipsing around the world (not that I'd have money for that). And for the first time ever (?) I feel like I'm not making decisions just for me - if I decided to move clear across the country, there is someone else who might have something to say about that. It's not a bad place to be, but it is a little daunting to think about The Rest of My Life looming before me like this. Teaching, while I loved it, felt temporary to me. I went into it thinking I'd do it for three years and then reevaluate. Now there's school and after this, who knows?
Second, I'll be twenty-seven in June. Twenty-seven. It feels more momentous than twenty-five and twenty-six did. It puts me officially into the late-twenties camp. It struck me a couple days ago that I would only be this young once, and I was running out of youth. One of these days I'm going to wake up and be middle-aged. Yeah, yeah, I know I've got ten to fifteen years before that, but I'm definitely leaving my young, carefree days behind. Maybe it was Twilight that got me thinking about this- Twilight and my time with my grandparents, but I'm suddenly very conscious of the inevitability of those things, of time passing, of my own aging.... I mean, I am a grown woman all of a sudden - when did that happen? And in that vein, I offer this song by Carrie Underwood, which struck a chord with me when I heard it on the radio today: "Don't Forget to Remember Me".
Sample lyrics:

This downtown apartment sure makes me miss home
and those bills there on the counter
Are telling me I'm on my own
And just like every Sunday I called momma up last night
And even when it's not, I tell her everything's all right
Before we hung up I said
"Hey momma, don't forget:

to tell my baby sister I'll see her in the fall
And tell me-maw that I miss her
Yeah, I should give her a call
And make sure you tell Daddy that I'm still his little girl
Yeah I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be
Don't forget to remember me"

Christmas soundtrack

There had to be a Christmas edition of this. I wonder if we ever really realize the depth of the words we're singing at Christmas....

1. "O Holy Night"

This is by far my favorite Christmas song because of lines like these:
* "A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn."
* "Fall on your knees, O hear the angels voices"
* "Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother, and in His name all oppression shall cease..."

2. "Arbolito de Navidad"

"Arbolito, arbolito, campanitas te pondré. Quiero que seas bonito, que al recién nacido te voy a ofrecer. Iremos por el camino, caminito de Belén, iremos porque esta noche, ha nacido el niño rey." And it's catchy. I end up singing it all the time.

3. "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen/We Three Kings" by BNL featuring Sarah MacLachlan

And it's true: I love their version above all other ones. Sample lyrics: "Let nothing you dismay, for Jesus Christ our Saviour was born upon this day, to save us all from Satan's power when we were gone astray" and "Born a king on Bethlehem's plain, gold I bring to crown Him again, king forever, ceasing never over us all to reign"

4. "Burrito sabanero"

Nothing too deep here, but it's so stinkin' catchy and I love it. "Con mi burrito sabanero voy camino de Belén, si me ven, si me ven, voy camino de Belén"

5. "Angels We Have Heard On High"

"Angels we have heard on high, singing sweetly o'er the plains, and the mountains in reply echoing their joyous strains..."

6. "What Child Is This?"

"This, this is Christ the King whom shepherds guard and angels sing. Haste, haste to bring Him praise..."

7. "Las Posadas"

So the story behind this song is that Joseph and Mary are looking for an inn.... I don't know why I love it as much as I do, but I do love it.

8. "Villancico Yaucano"

This is one of those uniquely Puerto Rican Christmas songs. The story is similar to "Little Drummer Boy" in that it's about poor folks coming to visit the Christ child without a whole lot to offer materially, but I like it just a little more than "Little Drummer Boy" - "Al Niño recién nacido todos le ofrecen un don yo como no tengo nada le ofrezco mi corazón."

9. "Little Drummer Boy"

I guess it's the story that I really like - bringing what you've got, and I kinda like what David Bowie does with it. I really don't think we think about the things we're singing at Christmas....

10. "No Hay Cama Pa' Tanta Gente" by El Gran Combo de Puerto Rico

Trust a Puerto Rican to make a song about kicking people out of your house after a rowdy Christmas party a holiday classic. Seriously. This song is hilarious! "¡Pa'fuera! ¡Pa' la calle!" Jajaja...

sister

So I switched my email yesterday and sent out one of those obligatory "I have a new email address" mass emails that ended with "Change is good, right?"
To which my sister, that priceless little gem, replied:

"Change is wonderful! like getting married, joining the gym, and eating morningstar sausage patties..."

Whaaaaaaat?! Man, I miss that crazy kid....

The project beckons

but in the meantime:
Lovelovelovelovelove!

More pics

More pics from M's wedding, shamelessly stolen from S.

With B.

Giving the toast

With S. So cute!

Again, with B.


And now for the ugly sweater party pics:

Can't stop listening to it....

"The Great Conductor"
by Steven Delopoulos

So you dived beneath the tide
And you radio the sky
As you leave your desert land
And your fortune all behind

It’s a sequel never told
As you build it you can tell it
As the waves flush out the notes,
you built that temple just to sell it
The moon is sitting, speechless
As our castles slowly burning

Well, I bought a cup of coffee
when I asked her for her hand
She was checking me for Egypt,
she was shaking me for sand
But I've been resurrected years ago

So you listen to the sign
And you can’t believe the sound
Feels like blood is in the air like that lion’s close around
I can’t do it on my own you must be sober to reject him
Like a soldier with a Bible but no armor to protect him

If you listen to the saints
They’ll give you juice enough to fly
Now they found him in the catwalk
when he was knighted for the throne
And the crowd was throwing harmonies
To claim him as their own
As I close my eyes and vanished in the blessing

And oh, there’s a fire in the sky
Sit beside me on that last train
There’s a pinch before we’re through it
Close your eyes we’re almost to it

To the punch, the pain that popped our famous egos
out the window as we grew
And she opened up her eyes to see that
mansion full of glory
She was brand new….brand new, brand new, brand new

So you start with kicking pebbles
as you learn to fight in silence
And you orchestrate His presence
as you crucify the man
There’s a wand in your command,
as you became
The Great Conductor

So it’s fire turned to gold, you can catch it in the steam
As you slowly disappear in that crucifixion dream
You’re hanging in the balance of that heavenly perfection
While you’re having a conversation
Nonchalantly in suspension

And you notice something’s different
as you’re hanging in the sky
Well I got up from my knees
but I was dizzy from the trance
I was speaking like the angels,
I was raptured in the dance
Moving mountains with a glance

We must leave our earthly beds
And pray for those who strike us
In His house there are no weapons
Heal the sick and raise the dead

Raise the ballroom where we danced
until the broken sun surprised us from our doom
And we promised on our knees
to return the devil’s keys
We were in bloom
I do, I do, I do

So you start with kicking pebbles
as you learn to fight in silence
And you orchestrate his presence
as you crucify the man
There’s a wand in your command
As you expand

This is the song I've got on repeat these days. I won't say that I totally understand it, but there are pieces of it, lines that have made me really take notice as I listen to it again and again. For example:

1. "She was checking me for Egypt, she was shaking me for sand But I've been resurrected years ago"
2. "And you notice something’s different as you’re hanging in the sky Well I got up from my knees but I was dizzy from the trance I was speaking like the angels, I was raptured in the dance Moving mountains with a glance"
3. "Raise the ballroom where we danced until the broken sun surprised us from our doom"

And of course, that chorus is pretty stinkin' amazing.

There's a lot there about resurrection, about being made new right here and now while we're still on earth, about the perfection of God in acting in ways that make no sense.... There's more to it that I'm sure I haven't even begun to touch on, but, man, do I love this song!