I'm tired. I'm tired of not having my own space, of working the proverbial double shift, of having no way to go anywhere. I'm tired of the isolation. Tired of not having a tv. Tired of running things. Tired of the never ending to do list. Tired of translating. Tired of budgeting. Tired of planning every moment of every day. Tired of joint decision making. Tired, tired, tired.
And it sounds like I'm whining, and I am. But I've been fighting this for a long time, and today, today it all caught up with me, and it's just too much. I need a break. Desperately, urgently, hopelessly need a break. And the reason it's rubbing me raw right now, is because I just don't see that break coming any time soon.
I need a moment alone. A moment - or several - alone with my husband. A day or two or seven in the city or on the beach. I need a full weekend. I need some time to just sit and be lazy. I need to not cook twice a day for a little while. I need to breathe. I need space to just sit down and have a good cry just to let something out, not because I'm actually sad.
I really, really don't like January. I'd say I hate it, except that seems a little strong a word. January is the worst month for me - right up there with November in the suckage, except that November at least has Thanksgiving and the anticipation of Christmas. January has none of that. There's this: Gray skies. Bare trees. Dry grass. Bitter cold. And the knowledge that another month and a half of winter waits.
January is knowing that you've made some progress, but not nearly as much as you'd like. It's like waking up thinking it's Friday only to discover that it's Wednesday - not even close.
I know I'm not alone in this craptacular winter feeling, but it sure feels that way sometimes. My skin is peeling, my hands cracking and bleeding - no matter how much cream I rub into them with obsessive care, my eyes are dry and itchy, and I can seem to warm my toes at all. But the worse part is that heaviness, the lethargy, the feeling that I'm suffocating under the weight of too much gray.... I just don't feel like myself; I don't feel quite as alive.
January.
What a let down.
Throw in the fact that I just got back from Puerto Rico two weeks ago, and you can see why I'm feeling this way. Gosh, I miss it. Miss it so much. I miss the sun, of course, and the sweet air, thick with humidity. I miss the walk to the bakery, the warmth of family and friends that might as well be family. I miss the closeness and the chill vibe of Latino culture with that healthy dose of Puerto Rican bravado. I miss speaking Spanish, I miss coquís at night, I miss the warm rain in the day - especially the times it rains while the sun's still out. Man, I miss PR. Here's the thing - no place has ever felt as consistently like home to me as Puerto Rico does. It's been the only constant place in my nomadic life.
Place means something to me in a way that I can't even explain. I refer to time periods by place. Ask me when something happened and I'm more likely to tell you a place than a year. "When did you graduate from middle school?" - "When I was in Illinois." Yeah, that's a time to me.... But the point is, that right now, when I feel less anchored to geographic place than ever before, Puerto Rico is that one place that I can hold onto. It's the thread that's run through my whole life - the place where all time lives.
1. Resting in God. 2. Not focusing on the obvious brokenness of systems, and instead looking at what is doable on a small scale. 3. Remembering that this mess isn't mine to fix. 4. Trusting God to work out the details. 5. Balancing school, relationships, time with God, and "me time". 6. Facing all those unfinished areas of my life; coming back in contact with my own selfishness and materialism and stupidity. 7. Realizing that those are the areas where God really works. 8. (Re)learning to be less guarded, that vulnerability takes strength, that it is not weak to show emotion. Such a hard one for me.
You know, among other things....
Also, I may have run over a squirrel the other day on my way to school. He was ambivalent about which curb to run to, and I was coming around a curve a bit too quickly. There was a car in the other lane coming towards me and swerving was not an option. Poor little, ambivalent squirrel. He's been in my head since it happened....
I don't fall easily; I really, really don't. I've got these walls, I'm careful with this heart, and I value my space and independence. I'm not "cariñosa" or mushy.... But when I fall, I fall hard. I've got a bit of a romantic streak deep down inside - deeeeeeeeep down inside. I don't believe in easy love or that you only fall in love once, or even that you can only love one person at a time. Love is - in my flawed and limited understanding of the subject - a messy thing that you have to choose to do, day in and day out. It's the kind of thing you have to work at and fight for. There's no fighting it; it's this almost involuntary thing, this subconcious decision - half feeling, half choice. And when it picks you up, it can sweep you under. But you have to make the choice to make it work. Does that make sense? You can love a person, love them with everything in you, and know that you can't make the relationship itself work. Not that the love will go away, just that that same love will make you choose to maintain some distance.
I've been in love. I'm still friends with the first man I ever loved, I still love him deeply, but I'm aware that our relationship won't work. I want what's best for him and that's not me.
I still hear from the only other guy I've ever loved. That love is a bit rawer, still the kind of thing that can sweep me up in its current, a little on the violent side because of a healthy dose of heartache that was thrown in by both parties. Me with my inability to express emotions, him with his indecision; fear on both sides, I guess.
This past week I've been wondering if it was worth it. There's a part of me that wonders why this heart still loves him, still thinks of him, still holds him in high esteem.... There's this song that says that you can't hide from love; it's too strong, and I kind of feel like that's the case here. Let's weigh the pros and cons, shall we? The pros: It's mutual. The cons: It's mutual. Hmmm....
That sounds like it should work out, yes? But here's the thing: I don't think we'll be able to get past some issues, a few obstacles, our own fears - the usual. En fin, it's not going to work out, y eso se ve a leguas. Is it worth it? Worth it to talk about the reality of what we're feeling, the way we'd like things to be, the hopes we have?
I'm thinking it has been, and it still is. I've learned a lot and am still learning. When we finally make that decision to walk away, it'll be as wiser people. I've learned to take chances, emotional risks, say what I feel. I've been learning to surrender. I like to think he's learned not to play it safe, that there's more to life than what he's always known, and that he needs to step it up and make decisions.
There's this song by Los Bukis (yeah, yeah, don't judge me!) that I like, and that Los Enanitos Verdes covered: "Tu cárcel". The chorus goes like this:
"Pero recuerda nadie es perfecto, y tú lo verás tal vez mil cosas mejores vendrán, pero cariño sincero jamás. Vete olvidando, de esto que hoy dejas y que cambiarás por la aventura que pronto verás será tu cárcel y nunca saldrás"
A rough translation: "But remember, no one is perfect, and you'll see that maybe a thousand better things will come, but never sincere love. Start forgetting about this that you're leaving today, and trading in for an adventure that you'll soon see will be your prison and you'll never escape." It sounds even worse in English.... The point is, I don't believe that's how it works. I don't believe we'll walk away from one another and miss out on true love. I think we'll walk away and continue to love one another, but be better at loving the other people who come into our lives. Does that make sense? It's kind of like that Ricardo Arjona song "Reputación" - where all of their experiences have prepared them for each other.
So yes, the risk, the heartache, the confusion has been worth it: I have learned and am learning.
Perhaps it's too vulnerable, too honest, and too raw, but I'm a hot mess right now, and I don't know that I really need to keep holding up the front. Sometimes things fall apart. Sometimes it's your own damn fault, because you put too much stock in what everyone else is going to say. Because you've built yourself up to be all muscle and grit and walls. Because you are just too picky but apparently selling yourself short.... Basically, when you win, you lose. And everyone else has a better understanding of what I want and need than I do. So before this gets even more convoluted - know that the poem is straight up as it came out. It probably needs a lot of editing, a lot of work, but here it is for now.
Too
I am the dreaded independent woman. The one who's perpetually single, too smart, too pretty, too fat, too skinny - too-TOO for most men. That strong woman who bought into the feminist ideal: You, too, can have it all. Except that here, in the quarterlife, I'm struggling to find that. Throw in this brown skin, la mancha de plátano, the crisis of the second generation. I am too-TOO. Too Latina, too American, too young, too old - too picky. I am that complete package: beauty, brains, heart. That's what they tell me. They say "you could have anyone", and they all fall. But when I fall, they say I sell myself short. There's this: sometimes that independent woman, that strong woman, that too-TOO woman, needs a moment, a series of moments, to be like the rest: to be a girl. To fall carelessly and wrecklessly, to doodle hearts in the margins, to dream of weddings on a beach, and to forget for a moment everything that she's had to build up and fight for alone. But when you're that woman too tough, too strong, too hard - everyone's watching.
Psalm 23 1The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. 2He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. 3He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. 4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows. 6Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
For all that it's one of the most famous passages in Scripture, it grabs me everytime. Lord knows I need it right now....
Second, I've been reflecting a lot this weekend. Things have been tumbling in my head and I came to the decision today that I am putting it all on God and stepping away. I can't do it; He has to.
Third, for all the hurt that I'm feeling, I'm trying to believe that I made the right decision. Not so much for me, but for everyone else involved. And if I end up alone, I'm trusting that God gets me through this one, too. It'll hurt, but it has to be done, had to be done, and this, too, shall pass.
First off: I don't want comments on this one. Read it if you want, but know that this is me trying to sort things out the only way I know how: writing. I'm not coming to any conclusions, not sure where I'm going with it, not sure how things will end. I don't want comments. I just want space to vent.
That said, I've been going through some "issues" lately. Partly of my own making, I'll admit that, but partly thrust upon me. Don't jump to conclusions; there's an "s" - it's plural. There's been a lot going on. I've been thinking a lot about this all, and there are a few things that have been stuck in my head.
First: "If you want something, then you go for it." It might have come out of my own mouth, but I've been thinking about it more and more, and I realize it's not always the case. In fact, after I said it I was asked, "Is that what you're doing?" And my answer was no; not exactly no, but basically that I was choosing to avoid something that I didn't want instead of going after what I wanted. Does that make sense? My desire to avoid something overrode my desire to have another. Is that the same principle at work? Perhaps.... But it still sounds like a cop out, although this course is probably harder than the alternative.
Second: "Aquél que se ata al pasado no puede proyectarse al futuro y arruina su presente." This from my pastor this morning. Rough translation: He who is tied to his past can't project himself toward the future and ruins his present. Am I doing this? Am I tying myself to the past? Sometimes I feel like I am, especially lately when I've felt that I've had every sin past and present thrown in my face as evidence that I am not a good daughter, a bad Christian, a sorry excuse for a friend, a "f---ing b----".... I acknowledge that I am not the person I'd like to be, that I have myriad flaws and that I'm stumbling through life the best I can. Yes, I suck, but I'm moving forward. The point is, I'm struggling with all these memories of the past and with the knowledge of how easily I can fail. I'm trying to feel like God hasn't turned His back on me, hasn't left me by the wayside. It's so hard to translate head knowledge to heart knowledge sometimes....
Third: Along the same lines: "Buscad primero el reino de Dios y su justicia y todo lo demás vendrá por añadidura." (Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all of these things will be added to you - or something like that. I don't know the Bible in English.) I feel like I'm asking - begging - God for some answers and some requests, but like I've been forgotten. I see everyone else getting what they're asking for and it hurts to feel like my own requests get stuck at the ceiling. But the truth is that I need to remember to put Him first. I need to seek Him first. I haven't been doing that the way I need to.... So this is one I need to work on. I know this.
Fourth: "La valentía es una decisión" coupled with "No te rindas" - Bravery is a choice and Don't give up. Bravery as a choice kind of struck me. It means you're afraid and you go forth anyway. It means you're terrified, but not paralyzed. I think I've been letting fear stop me more often than I'd realized. Fear of many things, sometimes conflicting fears.... And this not giving up thing - tenacity - I'm not sure what direction that's pushing me in, but it kind of fits with my first point.... What do I want? Which direction is bravery going to point me in? What am I going to fight for? I don't know, yet. I'm hoping point three will push me there.
Fifth: "La unidad implica renuncia" - unity implies surrender. And this doesn't completely negate "Don't give up"; it's kinda like my example of avoiding what I DON'T want. It's about surrendering some of my own desires for the greater good. And that's not easy. I'm not good at that, not good at giving up what I've dreamt of and wished for, not good at putting this greater good ahead of me. If life were as black and white as people think it is, this would be so simple, but there's so much gray that the greater good isn't always the easiest thing to know. It kind of brings to mind Atonement and Crónica de una muerte anunciada. In both, there's this greater good, and this ambivalence about how to get there. I don't know if those connections make sense to anyone but me, but that's what came to me....
So it's been a hot minute since I've been on here. The past few weeks have been stressful and busy. I've started working on Saturdays, doing Internal Assessments for IB. The next two Saturdays will be devoted to that, as will the 29th. This is what effective teaching requires: giving up your own life. Blah....
Other than that, S was here over the weekend. He's the ex that my parents formerly hated. I say formerly because my mom thought it'd be cool if he went with us all to dinner at this Argentine restaurant, and she ended up inviting him to go to church with us the next day. My mom.... She never ceases to amaze me. Anyway, she's now a fan since she knows nothing is going on anymore. Haha.
I'm going to PR in 12 days with BK - my bestest - and I can't wait. I really need that break. Also, we will be seeing Kanye (be still my heart!) in May. Loooooove!
Finally, today should've been alright. Yeah, it was going to be stressful since I was cheated of a weekend, but it should've been okay. Bearable.
But here's the thing: Friday, I literally ran into J. in the parking lot outside the Vietnamese place. He was leaving the barber shop, I was picking up dinner. He was all nonchalant as soon as he picked his jaw up from the asphalt. Hey, what's up. I dapped him up, whatever.... Why you following me? he asked. I rolled my eyes, "Please, I'm not following you. I'm tryin' to get some food." I walked off, still on the phone, still working my walk. Today, at the GC meeting, he said, "I gotta holla at you." I said fine, thinking it had something to do with students, with their stories, something to do with work. So I stopped by (mistake number 1) and sat down when he asked me to (mistake number 2). He said he had three things to tell me, but that I had to wait it out and listen to all three. Okay.... 1. I'm sorry for everything. Okay. 2. Out of respect, so you don't hear it through the rumor mill, I'm going to be a daddy. Okay. 3. Seriously, I didn't want things to end up this way. I really thought we were going to be together forever. What? I thought we were going to be together forever. I mean, I thought.... Who? You and me, he said. I rolled my eyes. I don't believe him. I can't. He says he still can't stop thinking about me, that he dreams of me, but I can't believe him. I've worked too hard to get over him, cried too much to let this happen again, have waited so long for some semblance of healing. This man broke my heart. Crushed it. And I won't lie - I'm not totally over him. I know he's not worth it. I know I deserve better. I know he did wrong. But that doesn't change the fact that I really hoped that it would work, and what's worse, I believed it'd work. It was the first time in five years that I'd imagined myself being with someone forever. I believed in it, and I wanted it. Really wanted it.
He had a list of 100 things we should do together. He wanted me to take it, but when I saw it, it made me tear up and made my heart break a little. Grade papers together, wash dishes, watch the sunrise, see Kanye, go to a Redskins game, watch my little sister play sports, go to school fundraisers together.... It was those little things that got to me. I couldn't keep it. I dropped it on his desk and walked away. I gave him too many opportunities. I know this. I won't do it again, and I told him that. He called after I walked away. I didn't want to talk. He said something - some sob story about A. and how things weren't working out. I cut him off: "That's your story. You chose it." "You're right."
I'm a stupid girl. I HATE that. HATE that I still feel this when I know he's wrong. It's not that I'm going to turn a blind eye to everything, but that doesn't make it hurt less. I'm not going back to him, but that doesn't mean I wasn't dangerously close to falling in love with him. Things like that aren't so easily erased.
My wounds were just beginning to heal and now this. Now this.
I talked to BK about it, though. Because she gets me, because she will listen to me cry, validate my feelings, and then remind me that I'm better than this. Too good for him. He's not what you want, she said. She's right. Goodness, I love that girl. Don't know where I'd be without her.
Ah, and for today:
I decided to forget and mature. I will start again, I will make it. I left you in the past, you've been forgotten. I don't want to see your picture on my dresser....
You know what kind of day it's been when I've got a double posting.... It looks like the snow has stopped and the roads are clear - double boo.
A friend told me to listen to Tracy Chapman's "Matters of the Heart" today, and I did. Wow. I've known this song forever, but it was like listening to it for the first time. Tracy Chapman has a seriously beautiful voice - heartbreaking, almost - and the lyrics are just so spot on. Can we just look at it as if it were a poem - some brilliant piece of literature - because it's just that good...
I lose my head From time to time I make a fool of myself In matters of the heart We should have been holding each other Instead we talked I make a fool of myself In matters of the heart But I asked before Your reply was kind and polite One wants more When one's denied I make a fool of myself In matters of the heart I won't call it love But it feels good to have passion in my life If there's a battle I hope my head always defers to my heart In matters of the heart I guess I'm crazy to think I can give you what you don't want I make a fool of myself In matters of the heart I wish that I had the power To make these feelings stop I lose all self control In matters of the heart I can't believe Its so hard to find someone To give affection to And from whom you can receive I guess it's just the draw of the cards In matters of the heart You caught me off guard Somehow you reached me Where I thought I had nothing left inside I've learned my lesson I've been edified In matters of the heart I've spent my nights Where the sleeping dogs lie Not by your side It feels so lonely Once again I've left too much to chance In matters of the heart Here I sit I'm feeling sorry for myself It's quite a sight But I have you to thank For reminding me We're all alone in this world And in matters of the heart I'm already missing you Although we won't say good byes Until tomorrow afternoon Maybe when and if I see you again We'll see eye to eye In matters of the heart I have no harsh words for you I have no tears to cry If the moon were full I'd be howling inside It only hurts In matters of the heart If today were my birthday I'd be reborn As Bronte's bird, a bird that could fly And all accounts would be settled In matters of the heart Matters of the heart
mmm.... It's like she knew everything I'd think and feel right now and set it to music. These lines: "I won't call it love/but it feels good to have passion in my life" and "I can't believe/It's so hard/to find someone who you can give affection to/and from whom you can receive" sum up everything I don't know how to say. I wish there were a way that I were aware of to link the lyrics to the actual song.... Seriously, what a VOICE.
I searched youtube for the song, but no luck. I did, however, come across this bit of loveliness. This girl's voice is AMAZING, and so is the translation into Spanish of another Tracy Chapman hit.
