Nomad

"You droppin' that off?" he asks.

"Yes, sir," I respond.

He mocks me: "Okay, ma'am."

"Sorry, I'm from the South."

I said I was from the South today. Today when Philadelphia drivers made me so incredible angry (it's called a turn signal and NOT using the exit lane as your own personal fast lane, jerks!), I told the guy at the UPS store that I was from the South. And it's kind of a lie.

I hate the "Where are you from?" question. I'm not "from" anywhere. I mean, yes, technically, I'm from Puerto Rico. I was born there, it's the one place that I've gone back to over and over again. No matter where I've actually lived, Puerto Rico feels like going home. But it's not really where I'm from. Not in the sense of feeling that kind of intimate connection to a place and the people there. I look at my cousins, at the closeness they share, and I long for it. I get this nostalgia for what could have been if only my parents had stayed there - then I wouldn't've been the foreign cousin who came to visit every summer. Puerto Rico would've been mine. My place.

But it's not.

We left. We went to Virginia for six months, then moved to Montgomery, a suburb of Chicago in the dead of winter. Yes, y'all: in the dead of winter. I was nearly five. We lived there until I was 13, and I grew attached. We moved once while we were in Illinois, from Montgomery to Aurora, but it was the same general area. We could drive past the old house, visit our old friends, see the old haunts. I learned to ride a bike there, learned to speak English there, decided I wanted to be a writer, archeologist, fashion designer, doctor there. Lots of things happened to me in Illinois. I still have a soft spot in my heart for Aurora, for Chicago - my gosh, I love that city! - but I don't feel attached anymore. How could I? It's been fifteen years and I've only been back once for a conference in Chicago, far from the areas I used to visit as a child.

When we moved to Germany the day after my eighth grade graduation, I identified with Chicago. When people asked where I was from, I said, "Chicago," because none of us Army brats in Germany were really FROM Germany, you know? And then I spent three years in Heidelberg, picking up German, taking family road trips across Western Europe instead of across the US, snacking on döner kebab and Haribo and spezi. I shopped at H&M and Ikea before they came Stateside and listened to entirely too much Europop and techno.

We went back to Virginia after that stint in Germany, and I remember the culture shock all too well. Y'all, I was still wearing my Spice Girls inspired looks; I didn't realize the Americas had moved on. It took me a long time to get used to VA. I don't know if it was being back in the States, being about to graduate from high school, or living in the South, but everything felt foreign and restricting and I hated it for a long time. But then something happened: I kept going back to VA: after college, after Mission Year, briefly after grad school, and I fell in love. It was the proximity to DC, the incredible diversity, the good conversations about current events and politics that did it for me. Northern VA is an amazing place. Just Southern enough, I think, and very cosmopolitan as far as suburban sprawl goes.

And in the meantime, I've been in MD, Costa Rica, Atlanta, and Philly. I feel like each place has left an impression on me.

Puerto Rico is my center - the closest thing to home. Illinois gave me the easy, modulated English and taught me to pronounce Chicago "Shi-caaaaaaaah-go". Germany opened my eyes to the world, gave me the travel bug, peppered my speech with German phrases, and gave me space to roam and explore. NoVA reintroduced me to my love of all things political, put authentic international cuisine at my fingertips, and taught me to drive aggressively - uh, I mean defensively. Maryland taught me I hate winter and small towns. Atlanta nurtured my penchant for long, languid days, my ability to deal with humidity, and the ability to mimic a great Southern accent. Costa Rica made me more confident in my Spanish, let me swim in two oceans,and gave me space to take risks and face the consequences. Philly gave me my Masters, my husband, a chip on my shoulder, and a feeling of superiority because at least I can MERGE! (I'm [mostly] kidding about the last part.)

But here's what I'm missing: a real, strong connection to place. The safety of lifelong friendships with anyone who doesn't share my DNA. The security of knowing I belong to a place.

This morning I woke up to a facebook friend request from my eighth grade boyfriend. I look at his page and see he's still in touch with a lot of the kids from my class. They're mostly in IL, it seems, still friends - at least on facebook. And here I am, fifteen years later with no connection to that past. None. And I don't know if that's good or bad or what. I just know it made me miss something. Place. Home. An easy answer to "Where are you from?".

But then I think about what my life would've been like if I'd been in the same place all my life, if I hadn't gotten a three year European adventure paid for by the US government, if I hadn't learned to pack a house in a matter of days, if I hadn't learned a third language and found places that fostered my ethnic identity.... I wouldn't be this person, the person I am today.

So there's nostalgia, yes, but there's also the recognition that all this movement, the connections that I've made, the connections that have broken because of time and space, the nomadic nature of my life have all taught me so many things. I've lived, I've learned. So I'm still floating, still disconnected from place, but mostly okay with it.

Shameless plug

This is my friend M. She's amazing and she's going to be in my wedding. You should buy her stuff.
Also, she's not charging an arm and a leg for it, which I appreciate.

I mean, look at this cuteness:

Cute green earrings!

Apple apron!

Lap blanket which I covet!

Check her out because you never know what she'll post next. That girl likes to keep you guessing. ;)

More pics

More pics from M's wedding, shamelessly stolen from S.

With B.

Giving the toast

With S. So cute!

Again, with B.


And now for the ugly sweater party pics:

Wedding pics

So one of my favorite girls got married this weekend. A few wedding pics - hopefully there will be more to come:

Boston in the fall

Pics from the recent trip to Boston/Lynn, MA. Good times, good times....

There was fun with hats:










There were street performers:








There were historical sights, 294 steps, sweet views, and some stretching:










There were things couples do:

















Oh, and this:

Fullness

I'm a bit of an insomniac lately. Surprise, surprise.... I do go through these sleepless periods pretty regularly. I think I'm pretty alright right now, though.

I just wanted to blog quickly while I was still feeling this way. I feel FULL today. It's good. Not food full, just, hmmm... God full, perhaps. Blessed might be a way to say the same thing, only it's more than that. It's contentment, blessing, and acknowledgment of blessing all at once. There's more, I just can't put words to it.

We saw Shane Claiborne speak this morning, and it was really good - this challenge to be a different kind of __________. I guess right now, a different kind of unemployed graduate student. Ha, ha. After that, R., E., and I went into Philly to hang out a bit (and miss peak hours). We got some ice cream at Reading Terminal Market - three scoops split three ways - and sat on a bench outside to enjoy it. There was good conversation and good ice cream: two wonderful things.
Then we headed out to Fishtown to have dinner at J. and A.'s house. They have a sweet dog who was super excited to see us. Burritos were great (yay, Hispanic food!) and so was the conversation.
We walked to Circle of Hope, where, for a moment, I felt like I was not cool enough. That feeling faded pretty quickly though - it was unlike any service I've ever attended before. It felt really fresh and really - inclusive. There was a rawness that I appreciate, and we met some cool people, including another Mission Year alum. (Whoot!) After that, the long train ride home to Wayne.

Oh, but I feel good. It's good to see these churches, to connect with people who want something bigger, you know?
I guess I'm realizing how much I needed to be shaken out of my comfort. I remember before I left for Mission Year, I sat down and told God: "I don't want to be comfortable." Last fall, I said the same thing again. I could feel myself getting sucked into the steadiness, the stability, the one-place-for-a-long-time thing, and I knew I didn't want that. But it's a hard thing to fight. I often think that humans can adapt to just about anything - we settle in. It feels good to be shaking out of that and stepping out into something different and big and uncertain.

Both R. and E. mentioned it today, and I have to agree: it's these blind steps that remind us that we don't get to call the shots, and even when we think we are, we really aren't. It's a good place to be, though.

home

Confession: I don't always love weekends.

I feel the need to leave more and more lately. There are two things I miss about living alone: freedom and privacy. I feel like I have neither lately. How long till August? *sigh* My parents are good people, really, they are. It's just that sometimes there's a bit too much drama from one end and the only way to appease her is for him to play along. And then no one is happy.

I have to report my whereabouts, I get calls when it's late, I get the 'You're going out with HIM?!' followed by a speech about said person's lack of husbandly qualities. Talk about jumping to conclusions! I've come to the point where I preface things with "Just to let you know," so that they're aware that I'm not asking for permission.

I just want a little breathing room sometimes. I hate having to justify where I'll be and what I'm doing. I mean, I'll be working out and it's: "You know, you should do some laundry." Right now? Really? This is when you have to bring it up?

Last night I went out to dinner and the G-F faculty vs. seniors basketball game with B. It was a fun time followed by a little wandering at Target. After that, I drove home and just wanted to collapse into bed with a movie and some quiet.

There was a student on my porch. Seriously. The house full of people eating everywhere, talking. I was up forever. Not to mention the weirdness of having X and his mom at my house seeing me in a completely different element: English, my space, my interests, no language lessons.

Today I've got a lot to do. I'm going to try to convince E. he wants to spend Monday with me, registering voters in Alexandria.... I really do want to find a more tangible way to support the Democratic campaign in general and Barack Obama in particular. Registering voters would be a cool thing, I think....

Catch up

Last night, I met up with J, and old friend from college whom I hadn't seen in about five years. We got some dinner, did a little shopping, and had dessert. It was good to see her and get caught up on everything. We're so old. Haha.

I'd been suspecting that one of my students is pregnant, but I'm pretty sure it is actually the case. It hit me today because she's still wearing that big, baggy sweatshirt that she always wears, and it's starting to poke out a bit. She's a sweet kid, lovely and smart. It's so crazy to see these things happening sometimes.... You just sit back and watch. You do what you can, but you can't do it all. It's such a life-changing thing, and you don't realize the weight of it at sixteen.

On a lighter note, I've been working out hardcore lately: abs, upper body (my arms, yo!), legs, cardio.... I'm a fit chica these days and bathing suit season is coming (anyday now, God, it's too cold to be late May!) and I'll be rocking my bikini. HOWEVER! I had a student - we'll call him M. - tell me today that he ran into a kid (who no longer comes to school, mind you) who told M. that he'd heard that I was pregnant. Excuse me? Seriously? Have you seen these abs?

I looked down, looked up, and said something like, "Are you seriously asking me?"
M. said, "I told him I didn't know."
Not know? You see me everyday, kid! There's no way I'm pregnant....

Anyway, it seems that's the latest rumor around the halls.... I came home a little paranoid and asked my parents if I looked like I had a belly, both said no, sounding a little shocked. Sigh of relief, abs are okay. Haha....

Heavier: goodbyes at today's faculty meeting. It was FREEEEEZING! I sat and shivered the entire time. We all had to speak if we were leaving, which was just annoying because it went on way too long. Now I have my official G-F mug. It's a little sad. Twenty-five people are leaving and five are retiring. That's some turnover.... I'll miss it all so much. Well, maybe not all.... ;)

Okay, off to do my second workout session of the day.

Run

I am not a runner. I hate running, actually. It's punishment, gym class, asthma attacks....

Even so, back in October or November, I just up and started running. I did it to get away from my own thoughts. There's something about that punishment of you and the road and an i-pod playing songs that sting your eyes to clear your head of everything but the breath in your lungs. Running is for high stress. I've been doing it lately with E. I don't think he knows why I'm running and not at home kick boxing - imagining myself landing perfect jabs and crosses on whomever. I don't think he knows how good the distraction is for me.
When we run there's only this:
Feet on the track in steady rhythm
Sweat
Music in one ear
Conversation in snippets of gasped air
Sun
Air in my lungs
Clarity.

In other news, we had S.'s retirement party today. We just had some cake and punch in the library - low key - though there were plenty in attendance. She'll be missed. I can't believe how quickly this year is coming to an end, and while I'm ready, it hasn't quite hit me that I won't be back....

There will be a flood of bittersweet emotion on the 6th for graduation.... I watched a lot of those kids grow up - 15 to 18 - and love them, honestly do. It's the end of this stage for all of us.

Trying to convince BK she REALLY wants to come here for my birthday, we'll see how it goes.

Off to the track.

PS This is hilarious.

struggle...

First, there's this:

Psalm 23
1The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
2He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
3He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

For all that it's one of the most famous passages in Scripture, it grabs me everytime. Lord knows I need it right now....

Second, I've been reflecting a lot this weekend. Things have been tumbling in my head and I came to the decision today that I am putting it all on God and stepping away. I can't do it; He has to.

Third, for all the hurt that I'm feeling, I'm trying to believe that I made the right decision. Not so much for me, but for everyone else involved. And if I end up alone, I'm trusting that God gets me through this one, too. It'll hurt, but it has to be done, had to be done, and this, too, shall pass.

Fourth, there are two.

"The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay


and "El sonido del silencio" by Alex Campos

Here's lookin' at you kid....

So I went out with B last night for some much needed fun. We met up at Target and did a little shopping while we tried to figure out what to do. I'd imagined a little pool or something low key down this way, but we started talking about food and settled on going to Old Town and seeing what struck our fancy.

So we parked way down on King Street, over by the water, and walked around, talking, watching the kids going to prom (so cute!), and stopping by to get balloon hearts with balloon animals attached (later given to some lady on the street who asked where we'd gotten it). We walked past all the usual suspects in search of something different. So, we walked and walked until we stumbled across Casablanca, this Moroccan place. We walk in and there's bellydancing, and all the tables are positioned around the dance floor. We got a table right along the dance floor, leaned back on the pillows, and let the waiter order for us.

The food was AMAZING, the dancing was entertaining, and we had a lot to catch up on. We left so FULL after our Kasbah feast, so the walk back to the car was welcome. We thought about stopping at this tapas place with good music for a little dancing, but it was getting late.... Maybe next time....

It's been a hot minute since I've had that much fun....

PS - If you're in the NOVA area and haven't checked out Casablanca, you're missing out.

Meh...

Just got back from my girl J's graduation dinner. Good times and way too much Puerto Rican food. There was pastelón, y'all! Soooo good! Haha.

Friday.

Sigh of relief...

It was a long week, and I'm ready for some time off. Tomorrow I have a meeting at church in the morning. All morning. Haha. Oh well, at least I can come home and work out.

In the meantime, I've got this song in my head. The song is Maná straight up, the folks in the video are NOT, and it makes me laugh. Haha.



I've got two or three more elements to send in to Eastern for my app - my references. I'm praying I can get all that taken care of ASAP....

So ready for something new, someplace new. It's getting hard to breathe down here....

Palabras

Son los que uno más aprecia que más nos lastiman. Son los que dicen querernos, los que dicen ser nuestros amigos hasta el fin que menos lo son.

Ya no quiero palabras.

No quiero que me digan mil cosas sin actuar.

Lo digo por varias razones, no te me asustes.

Me sacas de tu vida, me abres las puertas a tu vida, me dices que soy tu vida, me dices que no seré tu vida.

Ya.

No quiero seguir nutriéndome de palabras. Si me amas, enséñamelo. Si eres mi amigo, enséñamelo. Si soy tu vida, enséñamelo. Si no lo soy, enséñamelo.

Estoy luchando. Por el aire, por cada latido de mi corazón, por controlar estas lágrimas, luchando. Y si no me darán la gracia, la paciencia, el tiempo, que necesito, pues ¿qué más da?

Running through my head....

"Hoy ya me voy" by Kany García

"Y duele porque fuiste todo lo que deseé un día
Pero si no hay amor
Sé que el deseo ya no bastaría, no oh!
Sufriendo por todo el recuerdo
Viviendo de remordimiento.
Hoy ya me voy amor y desearé
Que tengas un buen viaje y no lloraré
Porque sé bien que yo intenté quererte
Y le dije no a ser feliz
Porque solo pensaba en tí
Que yo aprendería
A amarte como tú lo hacías
Y debo decir adiós."

Spring

Yamil's been gone for a little over three years.
Juan's been gone for two.

And, silly as it sounds, I lost my Cinnamon just last month.

This time of year I think too much.

This song gets to me everytime. I don't know why....

Brief and mostly pointless

Gar-Field won the game of the week.

I'm so proud. :)

In other news, my best friend, BK, is coming up from the ATL to spend Thanksgiving here. We've both been having a rough time these past few weeks, so it'll be good to catch up, go out, and wreak havoc the way we do. I miss her a ton; haven't seen her since June and Lord knows I need her perspective right now. I'm looking forward to some shopping fun and lots of laughs. That's my girl - like a sister - and I'm counting the days till Thursday so we can hang out.

This weekend, I feel a bit more sane than last. Not totally normal, yet, but working on it. You do what you can, you know? One day at a time, sometimes a minute at a time. Sometimes a breath at a time.

Oh! And I have a pseudo-date tomorrow night. This guy from church called me up today. I've been out with him a couple times before - nothing serious - so it's not totally weird. He was wondering if I was going to this church thing tonight - I wasn't - so he asked me to go to dinner with him tomorrow night. I guess I'm tired of this break, tired of missing the boy, tired of needing distraction; I said yes. Now I feel a li'l awkward. Just a li'l bit, like maybe I'm using him. Gosh, I'm a terrible person. Except that he is cool, and I find him interesting, just that I'm not at all romantically attracted to him. And that has nothing to do with the other boy, that was the case before. Whatever... Maybe it'll be good for me?


Right now I feel almost okay. And when I think about hanging out with BK, it's all good. Ha ha. The two of us are trouble. Can't wait. :)

Successful communication and face pats.

We've had a couple of laid back days here in Vinh. Yesterday, after my Vietnamese lesson (Toi ten la Frances. Toi hai lam tuoi...), I checked my email briefly and then I walked back to the hotel by myself.
The road to the school is lined with Bia Hoi shops (beer shops) and pool halls, which means lots of stares as we walk. Yesterday, however, I was walking and one of the women who works at one of the pool halls waved me over, then dragged me into a chair and started in with a barrage of Vietnamese. So I answered that I didn't understand (in Vietnamese no less!) and she laughed and continued talking. One of her friends came over and there was a whole lot of patting of my face, and me answering their questions with "I don't understand". I finally told them my name, and they laughed and patted my face somemore, while I sat bewildered between the two little Vietnamese women. Finally I said goodbye and walked off to the hotel.
Thanh made lunch for us yesterday - good stuff. So we ate well and then cleaned up, doing dishes while squatting on two bricks by the faucet on the patio. Let me tell you, doing dishes sucks, but it especially sucks when you don't have a sink. After that, Eleisa and I went off to the supermarket. We went downstairs and asked the women who work at the hotel to call us a taxi. This took a lot of English, responses in Vietnamese, and then eventually writing down "Taxi. Maximark." on a sheet of paper. That they understood. In a matter of minutes, there was a taxi out there and Tum told him where to take us. We did our shopping (bread, cheese, noodles, and spaghetti sauce - we're a li'l homesick), and then summoned another cab. We showed the driver the keys to our hotel rooms and he understood that we wanted to go there.
Successful communication is always a cause for celebration here.
After the groceries were put away, Eleisa and I went to buy shoes. The guy at the shoestore was a super cutie, but on the short side. He found shoes in my size - the man is a genius, he just looked at my feet and came out with size 36, which is exactly right. I bought a pair of cute black sandals which I needed because my black flip flops fell apart after the torrential rain in Hanoi the night we took the train to Vinh. Anyway, the shoes cost me 120,000 dong - don't be put off by all those zeros, that's about $10. I was really proud of myself because I was able to understand the guy when he said my size. (I have so mastered my Vietnamese numbers.)
We had two team teaching sessions last night, from 5:45 to 9:30 pm, which is tiring, but we also had three fifteen minute breaks in between all that. Oh, and I got my first motorbike ride on the back of Tum's motorbike (she works at the hotel). Afterwards, we were wiped, so we sat out at the nuoc mia stand out front and enjoyed some sugar cane juice while we chatted with the lady who owns the shop and her son.
I can't even tell you how happy it makes me to be able to sit with people and make conversation when we can only speak bits of eachother's languages. There's an art to that, a beauty in communication, in the repetition, the hand signals, the laughter as we make mistakes.... Language is a powerful thing.
Today we went to Vinh market and bought fabric for some ao dai (ow zai - zai rhymes with "guy"). I got this great green fabric with flowers down the front. We then went to the tailor so that we could be measured, and in two weeks I will have some traditional Vietnamese clothing. Ha, ha. :) The crazy thing is that it will only cost $20 to have it custom made for me. That is just unreal.

I've made friends with the little boy whose grandfather is in charge of building maintenence. He's fifteen but looks like he's about eleven. He saw me crying at the computer one day when I was crazy homesick, and since then, he's been all smiles with me. It breaks my heart because the other kids don't really talk to him, because he's poorer. He doesn't speak much English, but I'm seriously in love with this kid. He takes care of a couple of younger boys and sometimes sneaks into the office and plays ping pong online. Yesterday he gave me a piece of dried sweet potato because I asked him what he was eating.

Oh! And today we had lunch with Andrea's student, Thuy and Tum and her ex. It was fun, all of us trying out our new languages, Thanh doing a lot of interpreting. And the food was delicious, so that was a plus.

Anyway, I'm going to be teaching soon, so I'm off.