Mine

Yesterday I went to the gym and put in a good, long workout. I've recently joined a gym for the first time ever because (a) I'm getting married in December and want my arms to look SICK (b) my current housing situation is not conducive to at home workouts, and (c) I can actually afford it. I've only been going about three times a week, but as I was trying on clothes yesterday after my wonderful workout, I looked in the mirror and thought, my body is mine again. I don't know exactly why that popped in my head the way it did, but it made sense. There was a familiarity in the soreness of muscle, in the reemerging definition, in the increasing flatness of my abs, that I'd missed during the year of sporadic workouts that was grad school. My body feels like it's MINE again, like I OWN it and care for it and love it again. It felt good, feels good. Which is not to say that I am one hundred percent happy with the way I'm shaped and the way I carry my weight and what have you, but I'm closer to that satisfaction again.

On a different note - my car window was smashed today while I was at church. $3 in quarters were taken and they looked around the center console for more goodies (there were none there). I'm glad that the repairs will cost nearly $300 for the $3 theft. *sigh*

And to end this with a happier story:
We sang this song at church this morning. My mom used to sing it to wake us up when my sister and I were kids, and I hated it then because my sister loved it and my mom has the kind of singing voice that I have: a not in public kind of voice. But it's grown on me over the years, and today when we sang it I thought of my mom singing the song that she'd learned at a Christian high school to her daughters back when we were oh-so-Catholic. I thought of the way God's worked in our lives, I thought of the love I have for my mamita and my sister (who's made me an auntie, by the way!) and I missed my family so much. But singing that, it was like I was connected to them for just a moment.

Shameless plug

This is my friend M. She's amazing and she's going to be in my wedding. You should buy her stuff.
Also, she's not charging an arm and a leg for it, which I appreciate.

I mean, look at this cuteness:

Cute green earrings!

Apple apron!

Lap blanket which I covet!

Check her out because you never know what she'll post next. That girl likes to keep you guessing. ;)

Like a tumor

When I moved out to PA, I pretty much hated it. I was living out in the western suburbs of Philadelphia, the single whitest place I've ever lived, and I hated it. I hated the looks I got at the grocery store, the relative lack of any type of authentic ethnic cuisine or ingredients (beyond Italian), the cold, and the way people were so unfriendly. Oh, and have I mentioned the TERRIBLE DRIVERS? And the INABILITY TO MERGE? And the INVASION OF LANES?
But, it's where I was going to school, and I had to be there. And then I graduated, and could have gone back down South to NoVA - Northern Virginia - or DC and worked and lived where my foreignness blends in, where I could find authentic Ethiopian, Salvadoran, Pakistani, Greek, Peruvian, Indian, Afghan, etc. restaurants and/or grocery stores in a five mile radius; where the winters aren't so bad, and where our traffic sucks, but dammit, we can MERGE. (And STAY IN OUR OWN LANES!) But B. was here, and he still had to finish school, and so I came back. To Philly.
So now I'm in the city itself, way out in West Philadelphia (go ahead and sing it, because I know you want to) and I work in North Philly, and I'm starting to like it. Or if not like it, warm up to it. To be fair, I still prefer our Southern hospitality to the cool Northern way of interacting, and I still think Philly drivers are the worst, but, it's growing on me.
I don't want to think about winter, because that might have me cursing the geography again (not so much the city, just its location), but for right now, in this lovely illusion of fall, Philly is growing on me. It's filthy, the drivers suck, and the roads are a disaster, but there's something about it that I'm warming up to.
Maybe it's the fact that I can find little pieces of Puerto Rico here: the bars on porches to create a marquesina, the Puerto Rican bakery that sells quesitos, pan sobao, and pastelillos, the passion fruit popsicle that I got from a man who called it una paleta, because that's what it's called, thank you very much. Maybe it's the fact that I'm finally settling in.
I don't know.
I can't say that I love it like I love NoVA and DC, but I must admit it's growing on me. Even if folks can't drive.

Broken road

I thought about you yesterday. I thought about the way you pushed me from the adolescent wanderings of the quarter-life to full-blown adulthood. Standing here, two years over the threshold, I feel good. Not old, but not so naively young, either. Thanks for that. It wasn't easy, life with you. It wasn't easy and it wasn't always fun, but it didn't suck either. I look back and think that it was good; necessary, even.
I thought of you yesterday and the way things were. Good times, I thought, but times I wouldn't want to relive. They've been lived, been enjoyed, been analyzed, and I've learned and emerged. I thought of you and felt grateful that you were one of the stops on my way to this moment, because I know - I know - that if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be standing in this exact moment. You prepared me for this. You taught me to stop selling myself short, to follow my gut, to take the chance and be happy, to close my eyes and step off the edge and let life take me. You taught me to stop hating myself in those subtle ways: not giving myself credit, building walls, running away. You taught me about the beauty of these curves and this brain and this heart when I saw them through your eyes.
I thank you because you prepared me for this. This is better. It's like my first pair of heels: low and chunky and not particularly stylish, but I learned and then moved on, and now I've got these fabulous electric blue stilettos and I rock them - one foot in front of the other - gracefully. I love those electric blue stilettos, and I love the place where I am now. Really do. Love the way I've moved on to a near-perfect fit - as close to perfection as anything we'll find on earth. You, you were a good fit, but now it's so much better.
And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Because I was not so great for you, either, and I know that. We smoothed each other's rough edges, like sandpaper, preparing for what was to come. I thought of you yesterday and I thought that we'd been happy, but that I hope that today you are happier the way I'm happier. I think of you with affection and gratitude, because I wouldn't take it back. I mean, yeah, there were some sleepless nights and some wasted tears that I will attribute to you, but in the grand scheme of things, it was good.
So thanks, for the lessons, for the challenges, for the healing.
I'm glad it brought me here.


*The song that inspired the title, although my post is more about the road than the destination, the intention is the same:

Back to School

Some memorable moments from my first two weeks of teaching in Philly:

1. At freshmen orientation, students are asked to give three reasons why they need their student IDs. They give two of the answers pretty quickly (to get into the building, to check out library books) and then get creative with the last one: "In case we get kidnapped. Because it says return to...."

2. Michael Vick. Not kidding. He came and spoke. And you thought Obama was controversial.

3. One of my students asked me to call him "Jigga"; he insisted it was his real name. Newsflash, kid: I've got your real name on a roster right here and it's not even CLOSE.

4. While reviewing nationalities, I gave my (mostly Puerto Rican) students the word for Puerto Rican in Spanish - puertorriqueño. They ooh-ed, and said, "I didn't know there was a Q in there."

5. Again, while reviewing nationalities in Spanish. Students were asked to write a sentence saying a person's nationality given some information. The information given said: "Yo soy de San Antonio, Texas." I am from San Antonio, Texas. They said: "Miss, you didn't teach us Texas!" I asked, "Where is Texas? What country is it in?" The reply: "I don't know, Miss. Mexico?" *sigh* That, kids, is a lesson for another day....

Possibilities

So it's been ages.
Here's the deal:
1. I'm engaged.
2. Wedding's in December in PR - we used the trip to get some of the big stuff taken care of. Wedding coordinator has been hired, praise the Lord!
3. We're both looking for jobs. Praying, praying, praying.
4. Yes, there are a gazillion wedding plans in my head.

That said, one of my favorite things ever is to make lists of songs that would be great first dance songs. Some are traditional, others not so much, some I'd never choose, some I'd choose if I could... Anyway, as long as I've got weddings on the brain, I figured I'd make a list of possible songs.

1. "Is This Love?" by Bob Marley

Because it's still the song that I most love for a first dance. I remember listening to it a lot while I was in Costa Rica and thinking, "This is so the song I want to dance to at my wedding."


2. "Forever" by Ben Harper

Ideal for non-dancers with its insanely slow tempo - all you have to do is sway. Plus, how sweet and sexy is it? And the lyrics! Lines like: "I won't let my forever roam" and "Give me your forever...not a day less will do" make me love this one.

3. "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds

Stinkin' adorable. That is all.

4. "Bendita la luz" by Maná

I can't even count how many times I've mentioned this song on this blog, and I still love, love, love it. Such a blessing to find those people at just the right time in just the right place. Bendita la luz, indeed.

5. "Making Memories of Us" by Keith Urban

Much more on the traditional side. Much more mushy than most of the songs I'd have chosen for myself, but still, I love it because I have an unabashed love for cheesy country songs. There. I said it.

6. "Cosa más bella" or "Più Bella Cosa" by Eros Ramazzotti

I remember listening to this song when I was, like, fourteen, on this Spanish channel (as in, from Spain) and falling in love with both Eros Ramazzotti and this song. I remember how I just LOVED the line that says "Gracias por existir"; it kinda blew my mind then and still does.

7. "Hard to Concentrate" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers

Because they're one of the few musical acts that I've loved since I was ten and because, hello, the love! Different, but still totally appropriate.

7. "Come Close" by Common

Because Common is a smart rapper, because it's romantic, because I love the idea of pulling out a little hip hop for a first dance.

8. "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" by Lauryn Hill

Classic with a twist.

10. "Amor de conuco" by Juan Luis Guerra

*Sigh* Honestly, what I most want is to walk down the aisle to this lovely little song. "Na' me tienes que ofrecer, tu mirada es lo único que quiero...." Off the charts, this one.

11. "Almas gemelas" by Gilberto Santa Rosa

How fun would it be to do a little salsa number as the first dance? And I love how it captures the idea of sharing and growing together that marriage is all about.

12. "Turn Your Lights Down Low" by Lauryn Hill and Bob Marley
Love, love, love! The sweetness! The sexy!

13. "En tus púpilas" by Shakira

I'm so glad she's been writing more songs about love that survives, because, at least in Spanish, I think she's got a great way of saying things.

14. "Refuge (When It's Cold Outside)" by John Legend

Because I can't have a list without Mr. Legend. This is, without a doubt, one of my favorite of his songs. The love!

15. "Solamente" by Fiel a la Vega

"Encontrarte es una historia que hoy deberían publicar" is just a bit too intimate, but this one - this one is lovely and abstract and perfect. It's hard to pick a favorite Fiel song or to rank them in any way, but this is one of the first ones that I fell absolutely in love with. It's those last two verses that really get me: "Rellenas mi espacio sin corazón y resurges mi idea de redención." *Sigh* Those Fiel boys get me every time!

Any other creative suggestions out there?

She emerges...

This girl is thisclose to being a MASTER. No more sitting in classes for me.

That, of course, is why I've been pretty much absent since early June - Summer I will do that to a girl.

But I've emerged with one more project to do just in time to spend three glorious weeks in Puerto Rico. Love!

I'm trying not to worry too much about anything - about the job situation (or lack thereof), about the housing situation (or lack thereof), about saying goodbye to people with whom I've spent so much time for the past year. Bittersweet.

In the meantime, I'm packing, heading to the Shore, celebrating the fourth just to be with people, and remembering.

This year has gone by so fast. So, so fast. All those days and nights of reading and writing and preparing presentations have slipped away. The days I thought I wouldn't make it - well, I've made it.

And soon there will be time to write, to think about what comes next, to worry about the way my life will play out after all that I've learned and experienced this year. Good times, hard times, challenges.... For now, though, Puerto Rico awaits.
I'll be back the 27th - catch ya on the flip side.