Heavy things

First off: I don't want comments on this one. Read it if you want, but know that this is me trying to sort things out the only way I know how: writing. I'm not coming to any conclusions, not sure where I'm going with it, not sure how things will end. I don't want comments. I just want space to vent.

That said, I've been going through some "issues" lately. Partly of my own making, I'll admit that, but partly thrust upon me. Don't jump to conclusions; there's an "s" - it's plural. There's been a lot going on. I've been thinking a lot about this all, and there are a few things that have been stuck in my head.

First: "If you want something, then you go for it." It might have come out of my own mouth, but I've been thinking about it more and more, and I realize it's not always the case. In fact, after I said it I was asked, "Is that what you're doing?" And my answer was no; not exactly no, but basically that I was choosing to avoid something that I didn't want instead of going after what I wanted. Does that make sense? My desire to avoid something overrode my desire to have another. Is that the same principle at work? Perhaps.... But it still sounds like a cop out, although this course is probably harder than the alternative.

Second: "Aquél que se ata al pasado no puede proyectarse al futuro y arruina su presente." This from my pastor this morning. Rough translation: He who is tied to his past can't project himself toward the future and ruins his present. Am I doing this? Am I tying myself to the past? Sometimes I feel like I am, especially lately when I've felt that I've had every sin past and present thrown in my face as evidence that I am not a good daughter, a bad Christian, a sorry excuse for a friend, a "f---ing b----".... I acknowledge that I am not the person I'd like to be, that I have myriad flaws and that I'm stumbling through life the best I can. Yes, I suck, but I'm moving forward. The point is, I'm struggling with all these memories of the past and with the knowledge of how easily I can fail. I'm trying to feel like God hasn't turned His back on me, hasn't left me by the wayside. It's so hard to translate head knowledge to heart knowledge sometimes....

Third: Along the same lines: "Buscad primero el reino de Dios y su justicia y todo lo demás vendrá por añadidura." (Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all of these things will be added to you - or something like that. I don't know the Bible in English.) I feel like I'm asking - begging - God for some answers and some requests, but like I've been forgotten. I see everyone else getting what they're asking for and it hurts to feel like my own requests get stuck at the ceiling. But the truth is that I need to remember to put Him first. I need to seek Him first. I haven't been doing that the way I need to.... So this is one I need to work on. I know this.

Fourth: "La valentía es una decisión" coupled with "No te rindas" - Bravery is a choice and Don't give up. Bravery as a choice kind of struck me. It means you're afraid and you go forth anyway. It means you're terrified, but not paralyzed. I think I've been letting fear stop me more often than I'd realized. Fear of many things, sometimes conflicting fears.... And this not giving up thing - tenacity - I'm not sure what direction that's pushing me in, but it kind of fits with my first point.... What do I want? Which direction is bravery going to point me in? What am I going to fight for? I don't know, yet. I'm hoping point three will push me there.

Fifth: "La unidad implica renuncia" - unity implies surrender. And this doesn't completely negate "Don't give up"; it's kinda like my example of avoiding what I DON'T want. It's about surrendering some of my own desires for the greater good. And that's not easy. I'm not good at that, not good at giving up what I've dreamt of and wished for, not good at putting this greater good ahead of me. If life were as black and white as people think it is, this would be so simple, but there's so much gray that the greater good isn't always the easiest thing to know. It kind of brings to mind Atonement and Crónica de una muerte anunciada. In both, there's this greater good, and this ambivalence about how to get there. I don't know if those connections make sense to anyone but me, but that's what came to me....

Sixth: This song, running through my head.


I'm trying....