Schooled

In the interest of honesty, I've really been struggling this past week and a half to be okay with where I live. It felt almost like betrayal to find out that I was the only MY alum living somewhere else - a bit melodramatic, to be sure, but that was my initial reaction.
Wayne isn't the kind of place I would've picked out on my own, you know? But I'm really trying to believe that I'm here for a reason; which is not to say that I can see that reason, just that I believe that it's out there - somewhere.
The point, and the realization that I'm coming to (again), is that God doesn't live in West Philly, or in VA, or in the ATL, or in PR, or even in Wayne. God lives outside of space and time. I can have that community here, too. It might not be the same, but it's something just as real. Sometimes I'm real cabezona, as we say en buen puertorriqueño: I'm hard-headed. A reluctant learner, if you will.
But I am learning. Not just in the academic, classroom, hours-in-my-reading-chair sense, but also in that day-to-day, stumbling, searching sense.
This is one of those situations where all my inadequacies and insecurities come out and Dios me pule. Things happen, I change, I grow, I learn. We're gettin' somewhere.

Jump and Fall

I don't fall easily; I really, really don't. I've got these walls, I'm careful with this heart, and I value my space and independence. I'm not "cariñosa" or mushy....
But when I fall, I fall hard. I've got a bit of a romantic streak deep down inside - deeeeeeeeep down inside. I don't believe in easy love or that you only fall in love once, or even that you can only love one person at a time. Love is - in my flawed and limited understanding of the subject - a messy thing that you have to choose to do, day in and day out. It's the kind of thing you have to work at and fight for. There's no fighting it; it's this almost involuntary thing, this subconcious decision - half feeling, half choice. And when it picks you up, it can sweep you under. But you have to make the choice to make it work. Does that make sense? You can love a person, love them with everything in you, and know that you can't make the relationship itself work. Not that the love will go away, just that that same love will make you choose to maintain some distance.

I've been in love. I'm still friends with the first man I ever loved, I still love him deeply, but I'm aware that our relationship won't work. I want what's best for him and that's not me.

I still hear from the only other guy I've ever loved. That love is a bit rawer, still the kind of thing that can sweep me up in its current, a little on the violent side because of a healthy dose of heartache that was thrown in by both parties. Me with my inability to express emotions, him with his indecision; fear on both sides, I guess.

This past week I've been wondering if it was worth it. There's a part of me that wonders why this heart still loves him, still thinks of him, still holds him in high esteem.... There's this song that says that you can't hide from love; it's too strong, and I kind of feel like that's the case here. Let's weigh the pros and cons, shall we?
The pros: It's mutual.
The cons: It's mutual.
Hmmm....

That sounds like it should work out, yes? But here's the thing: I don't think we'll be able to get past some issues, a few obstacles, our own fears - the usual. En fin, it's not going to work out, y eso se ve a leguas. Is it worth it? Worth it to talk about the reality of what we're feeling, the way we'd like things to be, the hopes we have?

I'm thinking it has been, and it still is. I've learned a lot and am still learning. When we finally make that decision to walk away, it'll be as wiser people. I've learned to take chances, emotional risks, say what I feel. I've been learning to surrender.
I like to think he's learned not to play it safe, that there's more to life than what he's always known, and that he needs to step it up and make decisions.

There's this song by Los Bukis (yeah, yeah, don't judge me!) that I like, and that Los Enanitos Verdes covered: "Tu cárcel". The chorus goes like this:

"Pero recuerda nadie es perfecto, y tú lo verás
tal vez mil cosas mejores vendrán, pero cariño sincero jamás.
Vete olvidando, de esto que hoy dejas
y que cambiarás
por la aventura que pronto verás
será tu cárcel y nunca saldrás"

A rough translation: "But remember, no one is perfect, and you'll see that maybe a thousand better things will come, but never sincere love. Start forgetting about this that you're leaving today, and trading in for an adventure that you'll soon see will be your prison and you'll never escape." It sounds even worse in English....
The point is, I don't believe that's how it works. I don't believe we'll walk away from one another and miss out on true love. I think we'll walk away and continue to love one another, but be better at loving the other people who come into our lives. Does that make sense? It's kind of like that Ricardo Arjona song "Reputación" - where all of their experiences have prepared them for each other.

So yes, the risk, the heartache, the confusion has been worth it: I have learned and am learning.

struggle...

First, there's this:

Psalm 23
1The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
2He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
3He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

For all that it's one of the most famous passages in Scripture, it grabs me everytime. Lord knows I need it right now....

Second, I've been reflecting a lot this weekend. Things have been tumbling in my head and I came to the decision today that I am putting it all on God and stepping away. I can't do it; He has to.

Third, for all the hurt that I'm feeling, I'm trying to believe that I made the right decision. Not so much for me, but for everyone else involved. And if I end up alone, I'm trusting that God gets me through this one, too. It'll hurt, but it has to be done, had to be done, and this, too, shall pass.

Fourth, there are two.

"The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay


and "El sonido del silencio" by Alex Campos

Heavy things

First off: I don't want comments on this one. Read it if you want, but know that this is me trying to sort things out the only way I know how: writing. I'm not coming to any conclusions, not sure where I'm going with it, not sure how things will end. I don't want comments. I just want space to vent.

That said, I've been going through some "issues" lately. Partly of my own making, I'll admit that, but partly thrust upon me. Don't jump to conclusions; there's an "s" - it's plural. There's been a lot going on. I've been thinking a lot about this all, and there are a few things that have been stuck in my head.

First: "If you want something, then you go for it." It might have come out of my own mouth, but I've been thinking about it more and more, and I realize it's not always the case. In fact, after I said it I was asked, "Is that what you're doing?" And my answer was no; not exactly no, but basically that I was choosing to avoid something that I didn't want instead of going after what I wanted. Does that make sense? My desire to avoid something overrode my desire to have another. Is that the same principle at work? Perhaps.... But it still sounds like a cop out, although this course is probably harder than the alternative.

Second: "Aquél que se ata al pasado no puede proyectarse al futuro y arruina su presente." This from my pastor this morning. Rough translation: He who is tied to his past can't project himself toward the future and ruins his present. Am I doing this? Am I tying myself to the past? Sometimes I feel like I am, especially lately when I've felt that I've had every sin past and present thrown in my face as evidence that I am not a good daughter, a bad Christian, a sorry excuse for a friend, a "f---ing b----".... I acknowledge that I am not the person I'd like to be, that I have myriad flaws and that I'm stumbling through life the best I can. Yes, I suck, but I'm moving forward. The point is, I'm struggling with all these memories of the past and with the knowledge of how easily I can fail. I'm trying to feel like God hasn't turned His back on me, hasn't left me by the wayside. It's so hard to translate head knowledge to heart knowledge sometimes....

Third: Along the same lines: "Buscad primero el reino de Dios y su justicia y todo lo demás vendrá por añadidura." (Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all of these things will be added to you - or something like that. I don't know the Bible in English.) I feel like I'm asking - begging - God for some answers and some requests, but like I've been forgotten. I see everyone else getting what they're asking for and it hurts to feel like my own requests get stuck at the ceiling. But the truth is that I need to remember to put Him first. I need to seek Him first. I haven't been doing that the way I need to.... So this is one I need to work on. I know this.

Fourth: "La valentía es una decisión" coupled with "No te rindas" - Bravery is a choice and Don't give up. Bravery as a choice kind of struck me. It means you're afraid and you go forth anyway. It means you're terrified, but not paralyzed. I think I've been letting fear stop me more often than I'd realized. Fear of many things, sometimes conflicting fears.... And this not giving up thing - tenacity - I'm not sure what direction that's pushing me in, but it kind of fits with my first point.... What do I want? Which direction is bravery going to point me in? What am I going to fight for? I don't know, yet. I'm hoping point three will push me there.

Fifth: "La unidad implica renuncia" - unity implies surrender. And this doesn't completely negate "Don't give up"; it's kinda like my example of avoiding what I DON'T want. It's about surrendering some of my own desires for the greater good. And that's not easy. I'm not good at that, not good at giving up what I've dreamt of and wished for, not good at putting this greater good ahead of me. If life were as black and white as people think it is, this would be so simple, but there's so much gray that the greater good isn't always the easiest thing to know. It kind of brings to mind Atonement and Crónica de una muerte anunciada. In both, there's this greater good, and this ambivalence about how to get there. I don't know if those connections make sense to anyone but me, but that's what came to me....

Sixth: This song, running through my head.


I'm trying....

Palabras

Son los que uno más aprecia que más nos lastiman. Son los que dicen querernos, los que dicen ser nuestros amigos hasta el fin que menos lo son.

Ya no quiero palabras.

No quiero que me digan mil cosas sin actuar.

Lo digo por varias razones, no te me asustes.

Me sacas de tu vida, me abres las puertas a tu vida, me dices que soy tu vida, me dices que no seré tu vida.

Ya.

No quiero seguir nutriéndome de palabras. Si me amas, enséñamelo. Si eres mi amigo, enséñamelo. Si soy tu vida, enséñamelo. Si no lo soy, enséñamelo.

Estoy luchando. Por el aire, por cada latido de mi corazón, por controlar estas lágrimas, luchando. Y si no me darán la gracia, la paciencia, el tiempo, que necesito, pues ¿qué más da?

Fiel makes me happy...

Ah, time for the sigh of relief. Exams are written. Everything is ready to be turned in tomorrow. Oh, and it's Thursday night. Maybe I'll be able to shake off this insomnia now.

I've been feeling like I'm living in a García Márquez novel - Cien Años de Soledad, to be exact - with the insomnia epidemic; lack of sleep makes everything feel like magical realism.

The good thing is that I've had a lot of time for introspection, something I was kinda needing. Today these lyrics just popped into my head and I couldn't get over how perfect they are for my current situation. They're from one of my favorite songs in the wide world by my favorite band ever, ever.

The song is "Solamente", the band: Fiel a la Vega, and the lyrics are as follows:
"Y la felicidad
A veces me está utópica señor
Como un sueño de Marx
Como una romántica canción
Pero si acercas tus dedos de enmancipación
Y liberas mi sed del dolor del sol
Remojas mis huellas por germinar
Retallas mi rostro sin descifrar
Rellenas mi espacio sin corazón
Y resurges mi idea de redención"

A rough translation:
And happiness
Sometimes seems utopian, Lord
like a Marxist dream
like a romantic song
but if you come closer with your emancipating fingers
and free my thirst from the pain of the sun
you will water my germinating footprints,
restore my undeciphered face,
refill my heartless space,
and restore my idea of redemption.

The lyrics are much too appropriate for me right now. I feel like everything's dancing just beyond my reach, like I have to settle for mediocrity because my standards seem to be more utopian than real-life. And when I talk about mediocrity, I mean in my personal life. I mean that I don't measure up to my own impossible standards.
This is where T's comment about my complejo comes in.

I'm too tired for much more... I'm out