Goodbye, Love.

Cinnamon Karibe
6 June 1993 - 23 April 2008

We put my Cinnamon-Love down today. She'd been with us nearly fifteen years. That was my baby - the one I helped train and have helped with since I was eleven.


When we took her to the vet last month, we thought we'd have to put her down then, but the vet told us to wait until she stopped eating. She said she'd never seen such and old Golden, but that she could tell she was well cared for.

Sunday, when I got home, she didn't even acknowledge me; and when I went to take her out. I picked up her back legs to help her stand up, and her front legs gave out under her. She fell, and didn't even try to get up. It was heart-breaking. I knew then that it wouldn't be long before we had to let her go.

That was the day she stopped eating, she stopped walking, and she looked so dazed.... My poor baby....

So we let her go.

She was such a good dog.

I didn't want to come home today because I knew she wouldn't be here. Knew I wouldn't have to take her out, wouldn't have anyone to sneak some bread to, wouldn't hear her barking....

I miss my Love.

AméRican II

At the risk of sounding a little militant, I want to talk a little bit more about why I'm so proud to be Latina. There's just so much to be said about the Latino presence in the US - so much that's never said, never taught; so much that so many of us don't know about ourselves....

1. Hispanics have had permanent settlements in what is now the US since 1565.
The oldest city in the US, St. Augustine, Florida, was founded by the Spaniards. There were Spanish settlements all over the East Coast - LA, GA, FL, on up to VA. Not even kidding. Not to mention that the vast majority of the Western United States was once part of Mexico. As some of my students put it: "Wait, a minute, we're NOT immigrants. We were here first!" and then, "Then why are they so mad that we're here? It was ours first." Hilarious and cute. True, and not. But the fact is, when we look at how long various ethnic groups have been in the US, Hispanics are second only to Native Americans. Interesting....

2. The first full admiral in the US Navy was a Hispanic man.
David Glasgow Farragut was of Catalan descent - in other words, we was a Spaniard. He served in the Civil War. Not to mention all the other accomplishments of Hispanics and Latinos in the military.....

3. The first woman to win a Tony, an Oscar, a Grammy, and an Emmy is a Latina.
Rita Moreno. Double props for being una boricua. That's a lot of statues for the mantle folks. Incidentally, the first Latino to win an Academy Award was also Puerto Rican (José Ferrer).

4. The first woman to serve as Surgeon General of the United States was a Latina.
Antonia Novello, another Puerto Rican, served under the first President Bush.

5. We make up about 14% of the US population.
We're the largest minority group in the US; but you already knew that. What does that mean? It means the US is the fifth-largest Spanish-speaking country. There are more Spanish speakers in the US than in SPAIN, folks! (Let that marinate.) Spanish is the most popular "foreign" language in US schools. One of the most popular tv shows for young children stars a proudly bilingual Latina (Dora the Explorer). One of the most popular prime time shows stars a cast of Latinos from many countries, is produced by a Latina, and is based on a Colombian telenovela (Ugly Betty). Some of the top contenders on American Idol are Latinos. We're on the radio, in movies, on tv (FINALLY!), in books, on the catwalk.... We are everywhere. And we're continually impacting culture.

Proud? Yes. Yes, very.

I am not a foreigner, not someone whose people haven't been shaping this country in profound ways for decades (centuries). I am this brown element that people don't yet understand, though we've been here for so long.

I come from a race of fighters - the kind of fighters who will do it quietly, day in and day out, working to make the most of what they've been given. César Chávez. Luis Muñoz Marín. Roberto Clemente. Dolores Huerta. These are my people.

I come from a race so blessed with creativity that we have had a hand in all aspects of culture in this country. Lalo Schifrin. Tito Puente. Sandra Cisneros. Alfonso Cuarón. Edward James Olmos. Rita Hayworth. These are my people.

The list goes on. On and on and on.

Gabriel García Márquez, Sammy Davis, Jr., Marc Anthony, Pablo Montaner, José Feliciano....

What a rich heritage we have. What a rich heritage we have on this soil.

Ésta también es mi América.

Corazón hinchaó

I've been thinking lately about how incredibly proud I am to be Latina in general and Puerto Rican in particular.

I just got done watching The Bronze Screen and I'm even prouder.

More on this later, but for now, a quote from León Ichaso:

"It's never 'our time' unless we set our watch and say 'Now'."

Preach.

"Si yo no hubiero nacido en la tierre en que nací, estaría arrepentido de no haber nacido aquí"

Throwing stones

So I was sitting in church last night and I leaned forward to pray. My mom was sitting next to me, and she about flipped out. "Pull your shirt up in the back!" she snapped. I looked at her puzzled, and she repeated it. "What are you talking about?" I whispered back.
Mind you, this is while people are trying to pray silently.
"Oh, I'm so embarrassed. You can see your tattoo; what will people say? I'm so embarrassed."
I'm not even making this up.

Here's where I'm going with this: people pass judgment. Period. It's what happens; everyone does it. Now here's where we make a differentiation: we can judge people and act on those judgments, or we can judge and wait to be surprised. You know, we can go in anyway.

I won't say that I'm always surprised, but I do give it a chance.

And here's what I've decided about my own life: people talk smack, regardless. I work hard, keep to myself, and do the things that I'm passionate about. But that's not to say that everyone will see that. It doesn't matter. The thing that matters is that God and I know that I'm doing what He needs me to do.

When I went to Mission Year, a lot of people talked; people doubted the reality of what I lived there. That doesn't make my experience any less powerful or life-changing.

My aunt once told my mom that she'd expected more from me; that she'd thought I'd be more thän "just a teacher". It doesn't make me any less satisfied or passionate about my job.

I was walking with my mom the other day and I thanked her for everything that she's done since I moved back home. I told her that it's been much better than I expected. She sniffed and said, "Well, maybe it's been better for you. I don't feel like you help out at home." Thanks, mom, but it doesn't make me less grateful for the sacrifices that you've made.

The thing is that she's not the only one to make sacrifices. I've made some, too. People never see that, you know? No one else will ever know what it's like to live in your skin. I remember as a kid, I used to think, "Wow, C's life is just as real to her as mine is to me." (I was a bright kid.) Think about that a minute: everyone lives in their own personal reality. Sometimes our realities overlap, but there's so much that we cannot possibly comprehend about one another.

And that's kind of what I wanted to get to. I'm not perfect: I have a hard time giving complete trust, I am what we refer to in Spanish as antipática, and I'm a bit of a cynic. That said, I am painfully aware of my shortcomings and I work at them. I consciously try to give people the benefit of the doubt, I work extra hard to curb the sarcasm and be a little friendly, I ask God everyday to help me look at things the way He does.

I fail.

I fail often.

But that doesn't make my attempts any less real or valid. People may think that I don't give enough, but it's because they don't know how much I'm giving, because they don't know the sheer effort that goes into the steps that I'm making towards progress.

I have students who've taken three years - three YEARS - to remember to put an accent mark on the "O" in words that end in "-ión". It's one of the easiest tricks to remember, in my opinion, but it's hard for them. I can't discount the effort that they're making in trying to remember this "foreign" concept of accentuation. But here's the thing, when I see that occasional accent mark on "opinión" or "acción" or "canción" - it fills my heart. I know that all their efforts have paid off, that all those days of reminding myself of their potential have paid off.

So the point is this: We are all flawed, all imperfect, but all working at becoming better.

Maybe you don't see the progress, maybe change doesn't come quickly enough for you, and maybe you don't think that person will ever get to where you think they should be.

But guess what?

You can't be sure. You don't know their inner struggles, don't know how hard they're working.

People will surprise you, but sometimes it takes years.

untitled

This kinda came to me in pieces as I drove around today. Don't know exactly what prompted it, but when things come, I need to write them to get my mind around them, so here it is (be warned, it's in español):

Contigo agarré el vicio del chicle,
cosa que había dejado hace años.
Aprendí a dormir pecho a pecho en un sofá
sin sofocarme.
Tomé cerveza,
caminé a tu lado,
me sentí - por primera vez en años -
como una mujer plena.
Me trajiste pasión y dolor
en medidas exactas.
Me llevaste a correr,
a darle puños al aire,
a querer silenciar mi pensar.
Me hiciste adicta a tus labios,
al sonido de tu voz por teléfono,
y el olor de tu piel.
Me quitaste la habilidad de confiar.
Me enseñaste que puedo ser dura.
Fuerte.
Pero que todo es una fachada.
Y aunque cada día aparente estar un
poco mejor,
la verdad es que sigo reconstruyendo mi vida.
Que de vez en cuando pienso en ti,
en esos labios,
en dormir en el sofá,
y en el olor de tu piel.
Ya no me lleva la maroma de dolor,
pero aún corro, tiro puños al aire,
y trato de olvidar.

Idol chatter

I'm a huge American Idol fan. Yes, I know, it's cheesy; it's probably rigged; it's a big camp fest. It's my guilty pleasure. Nothing like a little old-fashioned cheese combined with dreams of stardom to make me happy.
I'm rooting for David Archuleta, David Cook (he's grown on me), and my man Jason Castro.
So I'm watching right now - results night with special performances from Elliot Yamin and Mariah Carey. (Side note, I love that a man named Elliot who lost on this show can make it the way he has. He's a good one.)
They had this segment on NPR this morning or yesterday (the days are blurring together...) about why Americans love Idol and they were saying that it has helped restore our faith in democracy. I thought that was interesting.

On a less serious note, my students were doing some groupwork today. I was circulating through the room and checking in on them when I heard this little tidbit which I thought was hilarious:
M: "Oh, Dominicans!"
S: "Oh YES!"
M: "Why aren't there more Dominicans here? I need to be somewhere where there are some DOMINICANS! The only Dominican I knew here moved to New York to be near more -
M and S: "DOMINICANS!"
S: "Yeah, they are sexy. I need to find a black Hispanic man."
M: "Oh, I KNOW! I love when I see a black guy and he opens his mouth and starts speaking Spanish!" *melts into her chair, throwing her head back*

I had to laugh to myself as I listened. I feel ya, girls, I feel ya.... Haha.

PS - the show's ended, but I won't give away the results for all the TiVoers out there. I'll just say there were no surprises.

flip

I straightened my hair today. This is a rare occurrence that causes my students to say things like, "Ooh, Ms. S!", "You look like a student!", and "You look so pretty! Do you have a date?". It also prompts me to feel like a white girl, flipping my hair incessantly and touching it every two minutes. Not, of course, that I have particularly coarse hair, or a lot of it, just that everyone with curly hair knows that you can't touch curls. They'll frizz up and lose their shape. You have to be gentle with it. Not so when it's straight. You can play with it and shake it out and watch it move. It's amazing. Haha.

Here I am with straight hair:


And here I am in what I like to call my telenovela shot:

That's totally what they'd show as the theme song played and the cast of characters paraded around the set striking poses that sum up their characters (attitude, people!). I'm pretty sure I'd be playing the poor little protagonista whom all the boys love, but loves the one unavailable man. I mean, the eyes! I'm pathetic.... Haha.

I did a little boxing yesterday with Sugar Ray Leonard (love that man) and Laila Ali. She's such a striking woman, but what a manly voice! Anyway, I go through the DVD and foolishly think that I'm totally ready for the ring. I'm deluded, I know.

An Addendum

6. "Say" by John Mayer


I'll let it remain on the cryptic side for now.

Sound check

A few songs to sum up the current state of my life:

1. "Love Song" Sara Bareilles

Chosen for lines like this: "You mean well, but you make this hard on me. I'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you asked for it...."

2. "Frontin'" Pharrell and Jay Z

Inside joke....

3. "Desilusióname" by Olga Tañón

Sample lyrics: "Desilusióname te pido no tengas compasión conmigo/ Hazme cruzar la línea del amor al odio para conseguir tu olvido./ Desilusióname te pido hazme caer al fin vencida/ Enséñame al final que no eres tan perfecto que esto de adorarte no tiene sentido."

4. "¿Qué hago yo?" Ha-Ash

"Sé muy bien qué harás en sus brazos pero dime, ¿qué hago yo?"

5. "Speed" Montgomery Gentry

The need to get out of here is getting stronger everyday.....

iPod fun

iTunes on shuffle quiz:
1. What does the next year have in store for me?
"Mi tumbao" by Michael Stuart ft. Tres Coronas Haha...
"El que espera termina perdiendo la guerra".... Apparently the streets will be my school. ;)


2. What does your love life look like?
"Amarte es mi pecado" by Ricardo Montaner
It means "loving you is my sin". Sample lyrics: "Al final el que más dio es el perdedor" (The one who gave the most is the loser). Fantastic.

3. What do I say when life gets hard?
"Hey there, Delilah" by Plain White Tees
Hmmm.... I don't know about that.

4. What do I think of when I get up in the morning?
"Sonda-me, Usa-me" by Aline Barros
Apparently I tell God to use me in the mornings. Appropriate enough.

5. What song will I dance to at my wedding?
"Water Runs Dry" by Boyz II Men. That does NOT bode well for that relationship. Haha. I'd really hoped it'd be "Is This Love" by Bob Marley. Oh well...

6. What do you want to do with your life?
"Preciosa" the Marc Anthony version
Awww, I DO want to love PR forever!

7. Your favorite saying?
"Como lo siento" by Chambao
People do tell me that I apologize too much.... Strangely appropriate.

8. Favorite place?
"Ese hombre" by La India
Either it means that I like to be away from stupid men, or it means I like places where they play good salsa. I'll take either.

9. What do you think of your parents?
"Stars" by Switchfoot
Hmmm.... So far, it fits.

10. Where would you go on a date?
"Mi pueblo natal" by Grupo Niche
My hometown. As an Army brat, I'm now confused....

11. Describe yourself:
"Baba Says Cool for Thought" by Lupe Fiasco
Yeah, I'm about that political. That's a good one.

12. What's the thing you love doing most?
"Que me alcance la vida" by Sin Bandera
Apparently, I love singing cheesy love songs - either that or being in love. Hmmm...

13. State of mind at the moment:
"Don't Worry Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
Well, it IS Friday.

14. What song will be played at your funeral?
"Bitte frag' mich nicht" by Xavier Naidoo
Please don't ask me what's wrong with me.... Fair enough.

15. The song you'll put as the subject:
"Nimbooda Nimbooda" by Karan Sargathia & Kavita Krishnamurthy
I won't actually do that, of course.

16. Song that describes my friendships:
"Champion" by Kanye West
They are champions. ;)

17. Song that describes my future marriage:
"I Melt" by Rascall Flatts
First, how appropriate are country songs for this question?! Seriously!
And second, Yes, sir. I'll take it.

18. Song that describes future children:
"We Danced Anyway" by Deanna Carter
Aww, they'll be dancers like me! Haha.

19. What will this fall be like?
"California Dreamin'" by the Mamas and the Papas
"All the leaves are brown and the sky is gray....I'd be safe and warm if I was in LA" Yeah, sounds about right.

20. What do people think of me?
"Falling in Love With You" by Tyrese
What can I say? I'm irresistible. ;)

21. How will I do in school?
"Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel
Hmmm...

22. Song that describes how nice of a career I'll have:
"Hold Me Now" by Wayne Wonder
Still trying to figure this one out....

23. Song to describe my personality:
"Me enamora" by Juanes
Again with the irresistability. ;)


So what does this reveal?
First, that there are many embarrasing songs on my iTunes list.
Second, that you can't count on an iPod on shuffle to determine anything about your life.
Third, that I seriously have eclectic musical tastes.

Girly moment.

I was stuck in traffic on my way home from work today. It was warm and lovely out, so I had the window rolled all the way down, and was crankin' Juanes.
So there I am, at a red light, surrounded by cars, but feeling good, because it's Friday, I'm finally heading home, and it's gorgeous out. I've got this great song on, and this shower of dogwood blossoms just floats down over the cars and in through the window.
Unbelievable. It's rare that so many lovely things intersect like that.

Musical vacation

Lately I've been hooked on music I can't understand. Go figure. Haha. I mean, the German I can make out alright, and likewise with the Portuguese and the Italian. It's not 100%, but I get some of it. There's so much good music in the world. Here's a sample of what's on my playlist:

Bate Lata.

Fun and upbeat and Brazilian. Doesn't get much better. :)

Anything by Kazzabe

So TECHNICALLY they're from Honduras and sing some stuff in Spanish, however, most of what they're singing is in Garífuna, which is a language I don't understand. I LOOOVe me some punta. If I had to introduce the world to a little known genre, it'd be punta. Fun for dancing, fun for listening to. Can't deny that African influence in Latin America with this beat....

Chaiyya Chaiyya

Can't understand a word, but it's so HOT! If it doesn't make you want to move your hips, I don't know what will....

É Isso Aí

Their voices are pure heaven. I also love that this was one of the first Portuguese songs that I figured out; I was so proud that day. "I don't know how to stop looking at you, I can't stop looking at you, I don't get tired of looking at you, I won't stop looking at you." It sounds less stalkerish in Portuguese.... Haha.

Anything by Tiziano Ferro

Because he's hot and because he sings in both Italian and Spanish. Good stuff. Check out "Ed ero contentissimo", "Alucinado" and "Ti scatterò una foto". Actually, I love it all. He does some faster stuff and a lot of pure pop. Love it all.

"Wenn du schläfst" by Söhne Mannheims

Make that anything by Söhne Mannheims. I chose this video because I think it's pretty brill. "No one needs as much protection as you in the darkness of the world..." I think the video sums it up nicely.

Anything by Xavier Naidoo

It's almost cheating because he's also a part of Söhne Mannheims, but that man's VOICE! Hot, hot, hot! Who knew German could sound so good?

Nimbooda Nimbooda

Makes me wanna dance....

Anything by Olodum

Hot beats. Love it.

Axé Axé by Daniela Mercury

You can't listen to it without moving.

"Habibi de mis amores" Ishtar

Again, partially in Spanish, but it makes the cut.

"Pontes Indestrutíveis" by Charlie Brown, Jr.

I just LIKE it.

"She's Royal"

I have the soca remix which I couldn't find online, but this version is also good. Yeah, it's in English, but it's the style that I love.... Makes me feel like I'm in Bocas del Toro, Panamá.... Mmmmmm...

Counter

So I installed this little counter on my page - perhaps you've noticed - and it supposedly tracks the countries that my visitors are from. Thirty-nine visitors and nine countries based on the latest count.
That's pretty cool, because I'm personally aware of about three people who actually read this. I mean, I put it out there, right, but who knows who reads it and who doesn't. Haha....

I was thinking yesterday or the day before how blogs - the internet in general - have taken all the private thoughts and moments and escalated them to this global level. And though I am generally a very private person - really, I am - there's this anonymity here that I like. An anonymity and at the same time, it gives these things a sense of validity. Does that make sense?

Probably not....

Loosely connected

I've been kicking around a few ideas lately. I probably have enough material for a week's worth of blog entries, so I'm trying to figure out which topic to go with or whether I should put together a mish-mash of everything I've been thinking.

First there's this:


Don't be fooled by the happy merengue rhythm - there's a sharp social criticism in there. The sad thing is how still relevant it is:

"El costo de la vida sube otra vez
el peso que baja, ya ni se ve
y las habichuelas no se pueden comer
ni una libra de arroz, ni una cuarta e café
a nadie le importa qué piensa usted
¿será porque aquí no hablamos inglés?
....
Y la gasolina sube otra vez
el peso que baja, ya ni se ve
y la democracía no puede crecer
si la corrupción juega ajedrez
a nadie le importa qué piensa usted
¿será porque aquí no hablamos francés?"

In English: "The cost of living has gone up again/the dollar falls so low.../we can't even eat beans/nor a pound of rice, nor a fourth of coffee/ and no one cares what you think/ Is it because we don't speak English?//And gas goes up again/ the dollar falls so low.../and democracy can't grow/if corruption plays chess/ and no one cares what you think/ Is it because we don't speak French?"

Second, I spent most of Friday thinking about MLK Jr. Not even kidding. I'd be running copies or teaching or grading and pieces of "I've Been to the Mountaintop" would pop into my head. It helps that NPR was doing a special on Dr. King all week, but there was something about those words, that prescience in those final lines, that gives me goosebumps. The thing is, and it's kinda like the song above, in a sense, that these words could be spoken RIGHT NOW, and they'd pull at me. I'd understand that urgency, the need for change and justice. We've come a long way, yes, but there's a long road still to be walked. This is my favorite part:

Be concerned about your brother. You may not be on strike. But either we go up together, or we go down together. Let us develop a kind of dangerous unselfishness.

It's the kind of phrase that echoes in my skull. I'm far from dangerously unselfish, but I want to get there. The context, the gist of his speech, reminds me of my favorite MLK quote, from "Letter from a Birmingham Jail":

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

I believe that. Believe it with everything in me. There is injustice in this world, and as I sit by and watch it, I'm putting my treasured liberties and rights at risk. I've come away with this clear conviction that there has be more that I can do. It's not enough to complain and pray and vote. It's not enough. There needs to be a movement of people working to break these patterns of injustice, this institutionalized injustice. I'm not saying revolution, but maybe. Maybe...

I feel a little like El Che, stringing together my own motorcycle diaries, putting together these moments of injustice, this collage of faces - the faces of every social sin and political issue that has ever crossed my mind - these moments where the world is completely at odds with the Kingdom of God.... This is the pain I think modern Christianity has cast aside: the pain for our fellow man, the pain of seeing selfishness and arrogance reign, masquerading as faith....

I'm coming to my conclusions.

That said...
Third: Every day I feel like I'm seeing myself a little more clearly. I've always said that the better you know God the more you realize how hopelessly inadequate you are, and that's becoming clear to me. I'm selfish, arrogant, blinded. I'm guarded, hiding behind walls that have been built, knocked down, and rebuilt countless times. I'm not the person I'd like to be. But I guess that's the point:

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."
1 Corinthians 1:25-31

Boasting only in Him, and letting Him work....