Soundtrack of my life

If my life had a soundtrack, these past few weeks would be a musical rollercoaster of love songs. From the sappy unrequited love tear-jerkers to the independent woman anthems to the in love with love songs, they'd all be there. A veritable smorgasbord of love songs. But this week? This week I'm a bit of a mess. I've made a decision that I honestly believe was a good one, but it was one of the toughest decisions I've made in a long time. I don't regret it, because it's the best option for both the boy and me, but it's been rough for us both; I hate to see him hurting, and he hates to see me hurt, but it is what it is. And just to provide a little more insight into my mess here's my life in pop music:

1. "Hate That I Love You" by Rihanna and Ne-Yo - At the risk of sounding like a sentimental fifteen-year-old, this song is way too appropriate. I don't think I've ever heard another song that captures everything I want to say so perfectly, and it kind of embarrasses me that it's precisely this song that does that. But seriously, "Must everything you do make me wanna smile? Can I not like you for a while?" And that's exactly the situation I'm in - that we're in. And the video? It's just good.

2. Speaking of uncommonly good videos: "I Want You" by Common. Sample lyrics: "A hint of perfume that reminds me of you". How perfectly does Common capture that nostalgia for something that was and that's missed? Plus Kerry Washington is seriously gorgeous and how sexy is Kanye? The video is high class, and so's the song.

3. "¿Quién te dijo eso?" by Luis Fonsi - "Who told you that I sleep soundly and I never dream of you?" and then "Don't believe them when they say I don't love you, oh how they lied to you." Gosh, I'm a sappy mess. Ha, ha... But it's a song about hanging on to the idea of making things work, but still taking a step back.

4. "How Far" by Martina McBride - The ultimate "taking a break" song. I'm probably the person she's singing to in this song 75% of the time. The other 25% of the time I'm saying "how far should I go?" But, yeah, way too appropriate. Plus her voice just gives me chills at that one part: "Out of this chair, just across the room? Half way down the block or half way to the moon? How far...."

5. "Encontrarte es una historia que hoy deberían publicar" by Fiel a la Vega - This is for those flashbacks. "I only want to know if in the curves of your chest you hide all of my secrets.... Nothing can make me change. My luck is miraculous. Finding you is a story that they should publish today." It's about that quiet intimacy, the miracle of trust, of taking a risk on someone that you care for without knowing how things will end up. "Throwing yourself on my chest, you reaffirm with a kiss that though this is only a moment, this love might endure." Sheer beauty, this song.

6. "Labios Compartidos" by Maná - Make of this what you will: "I can't share your lips.... Once again, my stupid mouth falls on your honey skin..." Now, don't get me wrong: I am not sharing his lips, but there is some baggage that needs to be dealt with, and I feel like I'm sharing those lips with all of that mess. I also love how Maná can take the imagery of the lips, the mouth, that hint of a kiss throughout the song. Oh, the sexy.

7. "Shawty" by Plies feat. T-Pain - "Even though I'm not your man, you're not my girl, I'm gonna call you my shawty... and we're not doin' anything we're not supposed to do". 'Nuff said. You don't even have to listen to the rest of the song.

8. "No se me hace fácil" by Alejandro Fernández - "Let me think about you once again... it's not easy to disentangle myself from you." Basically that this isn't easy. It's not. And of course, Alejandro Fernández has one of the finest voices I've ever heard: so much richness, a hint of smokiness; it's effortless and powerful.

9. "Lloré lloré" by Víctor Manuelle - I couldn't leave my love, Víctor off the soundtrack. "I cried and cried, and I now I don't want to cry. I cried and cried, and now I don't want to suffer any more." Not the most appropriate, but that salsa rhythm and Víctor's sexiness gets the song on the list.

10. "You Make Me Better" by Fabolous feat. Ne-Yo - "I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we're together." LOVE THAT! Yeah, it's true. Plus, Ne-Yo is just adorable - wait, he's young isn't he? Sucks...

11. "No One" by Alicia Keys - "I just want you close, where you can stay forever.... People keep talking, they can say what they like...No one can get in the way of what I'm feelin'." Yeah, that sounds about right.

12. "El autobús" and "Miedo" both by Pepe Aguilar - I couldn't pick just one of his songs, so I'm putting them both at number 12. The first: "I'll try to erase your fingerprints from my skin. This city smells like you, sadly, of you. What I want to do is forget your love...even if I have to die anesthetizing (is that a word in English?) the desire; maybe I won't think of you so often." The second: "Fear of feeling alone even if I have you, fear of not feeling your hands on my skin, fear of not knowing what you think - do you miss me?.... And putting myself before the world without a mask isn't fair". Dead on, Pepe.

13. "Entra en mi vida" by Sin Bandera - You can't have a soundtrack of embarrassingly sappy love songs without Sin Bandera. "Entra en mi vida" is arguably the sappiest of them all, but it sums up the whirlwind that has been the (beautiful) mess with the boy. "I started out missing you, but I began to need you soon after" and "You spoke to me, you touched me, and the illusion was born... come into my life, I'm opening the door" speak to the cheese and intensity of everything that's gone on. It's about falling for someone almost instantly - that instant chemistry that you sometimes find, for better or worse. I'm totally standing up for this fine bit of pop cheese.

14. "Rehab" by Rihanna - "You gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you." For that line and many others, this song is a staple in my life these days.

15. "Ojalá pudiera borrarte" by Maná - Sample lyrics: "If only I could erase you from my life forever, so I wouldn't have to see you again.... Not even in dreams." and "How can I erase your kisses? They're tattooed on my skin. I'd like to run away and erase you from my soul.... or that a miracle would occur, something would occur, that would bring me back to you." This is the song for when it's all too much, and I'd rather give up. It's the song for when I'd rather not take time or space; when I'd rather not do the right thing. It's a good all-purpose one. Not even in dreams... Mm...

Bonus track: "Irreplaceable" by Beyoncé - this is undoubtedly for my stronger moments, those moments of bitterness when I have to get Puerto Rican on his behind. When I have to pump myself up and remind myself that I really am a tough chica - and smokin' hot to boot. ;) Again, the lyrics aren't 100% dead on, but that chorus is irresistible.

So looking back, this is both super sappy and super vulnerable, for me at least. Blah. Whatever. It is what it is. I'm a bit of a mess. A little weepy, nursing a heart that - if not broken - is definitely bruised, and trying to make sense of a situation that doesn't make much sense on a good day. I'm not apologizing for it.

Oh, and PS - I think I saw the boy's ex at Target today. I heard a vaguely familiar voice talking about dogs, and I thought, Oh my gosh, that's her. Of course, I'm not 100% sure about that, just a sneaking suspicion - too many coincidences...