Just another manic Monday....

So it's been a hot minute since I've been on here. The past few weeks have been stressful and busy. I've started working on Saturdays, doing Internal Assessments for IB. The next two Saturdays will be devoted to that, as will the 29th. This is what effective teaching requires: giving up your own life. Blah....

Other than that, S was here over the weekend. He's the ex that my parents formerly hated. I say formerly because my mom thought it'd be cool if he went with us all to dinner at this Argentine restaurant, and she ended up inviting him to go to church with us the next day. My mom.... She never ceases to amaze me. Anyway, she's now a fan since she knows nothing is going on anymore. Haha.

I'm going to PR in 12 days with BK - my bestest - and I can't wait. I really need that break. Also, we will be seeing Kanye (be still my heart!) in May. Loooooove!

Finally, today should've been alright. Yeah, it was going to be stressful since I was cheated of a weekend, but it should've been okay. Bearable.

But here's the thing: Friday, I literally ran into J. in the parking lot outside the Vietnamese place. He was leaving the barber shop, I was picking up dinner. He was all nonchalant as soon as he picked his jaw up from the asphalt. Hey, what's up. I dapped him up, whatever.... Why you following me? he asked. I rolled my eyes, "Please, I'm not following you. I'm tryin' to get some food." I walked off, still on the phone, still working my walk.
Today, at the GC meeting, he said, "I gotta holla at you." I said fine, thinking it had something to do with students, with their stories, something to do with work. So I stopped by (mistake number 1) and sat down when he asked me to (mistake number 2).
He said he had three things to tell me, but that I had to wait it out and listen to all three.
Okay....
1. I'm sorry for everything.
Okay.
2. Out of respect, so you don't hear it through the rumor mill, I'm going to be a daddy.
Okay.
3. Seriously, I didn't want things to end up this way. I really thought we were going to be together forever.
What?
I thought we were going to be together forever. I mean, I thought....
Who?
You and me, he said.
I rolled my eyes. I don't believe him. I can't. He says he still can't stop thinking about me, that he dreams of me, but I can't believe him. I've worked too hard to get over him, cried too much to let this happen again, have waited so long for some semblance of healing. This man broke my heart. Crushed it. And I won't lie - I'm not totally over him. I know he's not worth it. I know I deserve better. I know he did wrong. But that doesn't change the fact that I really hoped that it would work, and what's worse, I believed it'd work. It was the first time in five years that I'd imagined myself being with someone forever. I believed in it, and I wanted it. Really wanted it.

He had a list of 100 things we should do together. He wanted me to take it, but when I saw it, it made me tear up and made my heart break a little.
Grade papers together, wash dishes, watch the sunrise, see Kanye, go to a Redskins game, watch my little sister play sports, go to school fundraisers together....
It was those little things that got to me. I couldn't keep it. I dropped it on his desk and walked away.
I gave him too many opportunities. I know this. I won't do it again, and I told him that. He called after I walked away. I didn't want to talk.
He said something - some sob story about A. and how things weren't working out. I cut him off: "That's your story. You chose it."
"You're right."

I'm a stupid girl. I HATE that. HATE that I still feel this when I know he's wrong. It's not that I'm going to turn a blind eye to everything, but that doesn't make it hurt less. I'm not going back to him, but that doesn't mean I wasn't dangerously close to falling in love with him. Things like that aren't so easily erased.

My wounds were just beginning to heal and now this. Now this.

I talked to BK about it, though. Because she gets me, because she will listen to me cry, validate my feelings, and then remind me that I'm better than this. Too good for him. He's not what you want, she said. She's right.
Goodness, I love that girl.
Don't know where I'd be without her.

Ah, and for today:


I decided to forget and mature. I will start again, I will make it. I left you in the past, you've been forgotten. I don't want to see your picture on my dresser....