Brill.

She really is just freakin' brilliant....

Scare

So I was in the ER last night till 3:00 am for these crazy chest pains I'd been having for two days. Of course, I don't say anything about anything because I hate going to the doctor, but it was kinda freakin' me out last night.

Turns out I strained the muscles in my chest, like in the area of my sternum.... Who knew you could do that and that it would cause you to worry so much?! Seriously, the pain was about three levels below the worst pain I've ever felt (just before my emergency surgery a few years back).
Sometimes toughness is not such a good thing, because if I weren't so tough, I'd get these things checked out before they got so bad....

I'm taking some serious pain meds for it, but me and my three hours of sleep went to work today and taught kids about their own culture. I still can't believe I made it through the day....

I'll be going to sleep early tonight, I think....

Una más

"Una Plegaria Más (Padre Nuestro)" by Fiel a la Vega

"Y es difícil admitir un fracaso
y después venirnos a hablar de
salvación
yo sólo quiero hacer bien lo que hago
y dejarme ya de tanta conversación
Tú y yo sabemos que lo único
que queda aquí
es morir de pie..."

"And it's difficult to admit a failure
and then come here to talk about
salvation
I only want to do what I do well
and leave behind all the conversation.
You and I know that the only thing
that remains here
is to die with dignity."

Échanos tu bendición....

Date night and feelin' Puerto Rican

I had a date with A. last night. We went to the movies to watch Wanted, but it was sold out, so we settled on the latest Indiana Jones movie, which we both enjoyed, even though he hadn't seen any of the previous ones. After the movie, we hit up IHOP where our waiter totally flirted with A. much to my amusement.
All in all, a good time. We have a lot in common, and it's just easy with him - no searching for topics of conversation, no awkwardness, no pressure, just a lot of laughing and talking. He's leaving for FL in July, and I'm on my way to Philly in August, so this will be short lived, but it's been fun.

Other than that, it's the usual.

This is the first weekend in about a month that I don't have any plans and it feels GOOD. I've been cleaning up at a nice leisurely pace in my sweats and Kanye T.

I've been remembering today why I love Fiel a la Vega to no end: there's this insane poetry to their lyrics that I just can't get over.

Here are a few of my favorites:

1. "Encontrarte es una historia que hoy deberían publicar"

It's my favorite of their songs, though there was some stiff competition. It's about the quiet intimacy of love, about love easing our insecurities, about the day-to-day beauty of discovering another person.... Love it.

2. "Cositas Así"

The title of this blog came from this song, as did the quote at the top of the page. All the little things disappear before little things like these.... "Y decidí que sólo yo mismo puedo ser" (And I decided I can only be myself) and "Lejos de mí las estrellas quedarán pues sólo así las puedo ver brillar" (The stars will remain far from me because that's the only way I'll see them shine) are the lines that I most love. It's a song about idealism tempered by reality - the kind of thing I get.

3. "Solamente"

This could've easily been number one. From those opening chords, I get goosebumps. Few songs are this beautiful and deep. It's about all those secret things we want: those connections, that comfort, that renewal.... My favorite lines: "Y la felicidad a veces me está utópica, Señor, como un sueño de Marx, como una romántica canción, pero si acercas tus dedos de emancipación, liberas mi sed del dolor del sol." -- I'll try a translation, but there's so much you lose in English: "And sometimes happiness seems utopian to me, Lord, like a Marxist dream, or a romantic song, but if you come close with your emancipating fingers, you'll free my thirst from the pain caused by the sun." Yeah, so much better in Spanish....

4. "Boricua en la luna"

Because it's the culture that makes us Boricuas. People have asked how I can feel so Puerto Rican when I have lived off the island most of my life, and it's like this: I was raised Puerto Rican. It's the culture more than anything: calling everyone Mr. or Mrs., putting family above all else, a stirring of the soul when you hear La borinqueña.... "Y así le grito al villano, yo sería borincano aunque naciera en la luna." - I'd be Boricua even if I were born on the moon.

5. "Canción en la arena"

This is one of my ultimate summer songs. First of all, it's hilarious, second it's so chiiiiiill. My favorite part is the part where he talks about the guy in the Che Guevara shirt, and says, "poor Che doesn't know he ended up generating a whole lot of capital". Oh, the irony.... Haha!

6. "Elipsis de una fuga"

I don't love the video, but I love, love, love, this song. There's this subtle sexiness to it, although it's about protest and politics as well as about this relationship he's got going on. Like I said, these guys are poets.

7. "Septiembre Río Piedras"

Another highly political song.... I like the part about euthanizing democracy. The unfortunate thing is that it's what we live in so many parts of the world. I also like how he points out that we all come into the political process with our own pet issues. Finally, there're the references to Buddha, Christ, Bob Dylan, John Lennon, Silvio Rodríguez, and Pablo Neruda. The words that they "bled" that we forget when it comes to fighting for what we believe....

8. "Mil canciones"

It's a song about knowing yourself, what you stand for; it's about growth. "Suman mil mis contradicciones; todas canto así" - My contradictions add up to a thousand; I sing them all this way. I feel you....

9. "Salimos de aquí"

A song that sums up the complicated duality of being Puerto Rican - the mix of the local culture and all that's imported, this balance of Spanish Caribbean and US protectorate, the autonomous and the dependent.... We are a mix, a hybrid, a culture between two worlds; and yet we are singular in our way of life, our language, our culture. At once hybrid and pure. This song gets all of that. It really does make your heart swell with pride.

10. "Voces de sol"

This is one that's so full of hope. You can just imagine these men and women - glowing because they're dressed in sunlight - walking towards justice and something beautiful.

"S. I. C. K., if you will"

Indeed, it is!


I absolutely love her part when he's leaving. The whole thing was pretty stinkin' brilliant.


Another good one from earlier in the season:


One more:


Ay, mi sueño frustrado de poder bailar.... ;)

Alive

I'm back from LA and have hit the ground running. I got back on Saturday, didn't get HOME till Sunday because I locked myself out... (Sometimes I'm smart and pretty and sometimes I'm just pretty), had church, Sunday School, and training, and started work on Monday. Today was my second day. I have thirty kids. Thirty. And they're little. We have a lot of kids who are probably too young for the program - 6 and 7 years old - and I don't know if we'll end up keeping them in the camp or not. It's been chaotic. I'm trying to keep them busy but it's hard to keep the same group of kids entertained from 10-4.... I don't know how elementary school teachers do it.

I'll hopefully get some pics up over the weekend - I'm back to my world of commuting and it'll take me a minute to get used to it....

No good at good byes

So, boo, I had to cancel on the date. :(....

I was at work until FOREVER tonight - I JUST got home. Seriously. Who'd have known how much ish you accumulate over the years.... Plus I had a meeting with L. and F., my replacements. I gave them everything I'd made up over the years, all the work.... I guess I didn't realize that not all teachers put all their materials together themselves - I don't use books often, so I just put things together and make up practices, notes, projects, quizzes, exams.... Must be nice to have a book that does that all for you. Ha, ha.

It was definitely bittersweet. I said bye to all the folks in the department, shared my email address and phone number so we can all keep in touch, and made plans to meet up with folks over the summer for a little Spanish practice. Spanish practice and pool, or Spanish practice by the pool, whatever we decide works best. Ha, ha.

I honestly can't imagine working with a better group of people.

Besides that, I got mad help cleaning up my classroom, which was nice, and I was able to get rid of a lot of stuff. It was good. Good, good, good....

Oh, but I'll miss it. I'll miss it so much. I'll miss my beautiful kids and their beautiful stories; I'll miss the time with my coworkers, sharing information; I'll miss the satisfaction I get from teaching.

But this is the right decision.

Today, I was in the planning office and returned to my room. John Legend's "Coming Home" was playing on my ipod and it was so achingly beautiful that I looked around that nearly empty room and just started to cry again....



*sigh*

Time to pack.

For real.

I'm off to LA tomorrow - debating taking the laptop with me - we'll see....

Wish me luck!

Insomniac, AGAIN!

I'm exhausted, but there's so much on my mind that I can't sleep just yet.

1. I'm official for Eastern. Which means I'm really leaving VA, really going to Philly, really going to be super broke, really going back to school.

2. Schools OUT. Kids are gone, grades are in, and I'm just cleaning up my room. I can't believe I'm leaving. It's a bittersweet thing....

3. I have a summer job. It's the one I wanted from the beginning. I start training on Sunday - extra money is a good thing....

4. BK was here with her friend A. We had a blast and went dancing, had amazing food, and generally had a good time.

5. Had a chill day with Stinky yesterday. Awww, Happy Fathers' Day to him!

6. I have to pack for LA - totally haven't started and I don't really know where to begin. Guess that'll be a job for this time tomorrow....

7. Still have about five cds to make for the wedding. DJs should never cancel.... I like making the mixes, but I don't know if it's exactly what Cristina wanted. We don't exactly have the same taste in music, but I'm trying....

8. I have a date tomorrow night with A. Smiling hard thinking about it. We'll see, how it goes....

9. All the unexpected things.... That too. Good and bad - they're on my mind.

So cute!

From B's retirement party: The Foreign Language Department


I love that I'm so stinkin' dark in it. Mind you, I'm not the only Hispanic one in the pic, just the darkest, most ethnic looking. I look tan and my hair is enormous. I love it. Haha.

In the meantime

Once finals are over, my classroom is cleaned, and grades are turned in, I promise a substantial update. One that includes Obama pics and pics of the kids that made my life either so sweet or bloody hell for the past three years and possibly a C. wedding update.
Until then, there's this from my boy E. from fourth block - all grammatical and orthographic errors are copied from the original with an occasional note for clarity:

Los días, los meses, los años han pasado con gozo

Las memorias vívidas de los años
han volado en mi mente como las cenizas del
fuego de ayer.
las sonrisas, y el gozo que pasé nunca
los voy a olvidar amiga mía. Todas estas
memorias de gracia las voy a marrar [a amarrar] en el profundo
de mi corazón, como un niño amarra el globo
a la mano para que el globo nunca vuela
de su alcance. asi marraré [amarraré] las memorias amiga
querida.

Si por razón vuelas fuera del alcance, del niño
mandaré una paloma de mis recuerdos.
Si la palamo no llega a lo destinado,
mandaré un pez de mis recuerdos,
si el pez no llega a lo destinado
mandaré a .... Victor Manuelle con
los recuerdos. :)

FYI: Víctor Manuelle is my favorite salsero. E. went on to call me "Mrs. Manuelle" (they don't realize it's his middle name and not his last name, but that's okay) and to say that I am the "BEST TEACHER I'VE EVER HAD".

It makes my heart swell.

Okay, I have placement exams and final exams to grade. PEACE!

Back to hiding....

Happy Birthday!

I love my job. I really, really do.

I got to work today and as soon as I got to the planning office, I noticed roses (Colombian roses of death, but it's the thought that counts) on the table. S. informed me that one of my students - "a really pretty little girl with olive skin" - had dropped them off for me and that they'd also brought ice cream cake. I.C. dropped off some cupcakes, A.A. brought chocolates, my girl, A. brought me a gift and a card that brought tears to my eyes. I.D. brought me the kind of mildly inappropriate card that only she could bring, 1st block signed a card for me, and A.R. gave me his soccer t-shirt. As I was leaving work, my heart was full - I have some truly amazing students, not to mention that my coworkers brought three kinds of cake to choose from.

So anyway, I had to leave work relatively early (before 3! It's a miracle!) to make it to the DC United game, and as I was walking across the parking lot, I noticed four cake-shaped balloons stuck to my car. I stopped in my tracks and looked again: no, really, it was my car. I hurried over, saw the card taped to the window, the ribbons decorating it, and the "Happy Birthday" sign on the windshield. W., E., and J. had decorated my car for me and written me a little card. I remembered how I'd gotten on J. for being in the bathroom so long (I asked if he'd fallen into the toilet) and realized that he must've been out there working on that....
No sé, pero me impactó tanto que hubieran hecho eso que lloré. I seriously cried because it really touched me that they'd do something like that.

I sat in the card and thought, "THIS is what I'll miss." My hero, Mr. Barber, always used to tell us that life was all about RELATIONSHIPS. And he'd kind of bounce around as he said that word, like it was all there was to know. Relationship with God, with Christ, with one another, with people in need.... I have that at work. I have these RELATIONSHIPS, these connections. These are kids that I've invested in, that I've lost sleep for, that I've prayed for. I have felt like those moments in the classroom, after school, during passing periods have been this incredible ministry for me. And I mean that not in the preachy, overtly Evangelical sense, but rather in a way that has given so many of these kids a sense of their worth. I like to think that I gave them a reason to be proud of their heritage, of their other language, of their brown skin, of their accents.... I hope I've given them a reason to fight for what they want and some tools to do so. I hope I gave them someone with whom they could identify: young, brown, bi-cultural, bilingual, and successful.

I was reading the A2's exams and many of them (I'd had them for three years) thanked me for specific things. I was so proud reading W.'s essays: she still has a lot of errors, but there were complete sentences without a single word in English. I could just picture her working and working to get things right.... S. said something about how she learned so much about her own culture because of our class....

J. gave me an article awhile back about the lack of male African-American teachers in schools and the impact that has on African-American students. It was an interesting read, and I could see how some of these same issues translated across ethnic lines. There's a real need for minority teachers, and if they're male, so much the better. These kids are hungry for someone to tell them their own story, to give their lives academic validity, to tell them that someone like them can also make it. I've seen and heard so much from educators - good people who mean well but don't understand - we need teachers who will fight for and defend these kids, who will give a voice to the voiceless.

This took a turn that I hadn't been expecting, but I guess it's what I needed to say today. Do I think I'll go back to education? Someday. In a different capacity, perhaps, or maybe back in the classroom. Sólo Dios sabe. But I am grateful - beyond grateful - for these past three years.

Change

What. A. Day.

I will not go into details, but it started well, went downhill once I got home, took me to hell, and now I'm flying because of Barack Obama.

He makes me happy.

Yes, we can!

I was thinking last night of all I've seen in my twenty-five years:
Records, tapes, cds, and mp3s.
The birth of the Internet.
September 11th.
Wars.
Record high gas prices.
Leggings. Twice.
And now THIS: A Democratic primary between a Biracial man and a white woman. And then, my man Obama clinches the number of delegates necessary to win the nomination. Seriously amazing. Even more amazing than the return of the legging. ;)

Anyway, I'm happy about it. Happy birthday to me from the Democratic party!

Thanks, M. for reminding me of this.

Not appropriate for young ears.


"Do you keep my documents in order?" "Do you have three settings?" "LIAR!"

Voces Inocentes

First off, I don't care what anyone says: I love Alejandra Guzman. She's crazy, dresses like a fool, and could impale someone with those hipbones, but she's written some pretty fantastic stuff. Such a rockstar!

Now, something a bit more substantial:
I was watching Voces inocentes in class this week and last, and was once again struck by the beauty of the priest's words as he stands outside his church, after the attack on the school, after his church has been shot at, after he's been beaten by the soldiers. The whole village is standing outside the doors of the church, and he tells them they won't have Mass that day, but that he'll speak to them there so that those who haven't found faith yet can also hear the Word of God. And what he says there has always been the most amazing thing to me. I wish that I could transmit the whole speech, but this is the part that most gets to me:

"Los escépticos dicen: 'Si Dios existiera, no habría guerras', y yo les contesto que si los hombres obedecieran las leyes de Dios, entonces no habría guerras....Cuando se vive en la gracia de Dios, no existe la guerra.... Es el momento de que alcemos nuestra voz....Ya no basta con rezar."

"The skeptics say, 'if there were a God, there would be no war', and I respond, if men obeyed God's laws, then there would be no wars....When we live in God's grace, wars cease to exist....It's time to raise up our voices.... It's not enough to pray."

Here's the clip, sans subtitles. Fast forward to about 7:57.... Unfortunately it cuts off the very end of the speech, so click on the second video to catch it.

Primaries

Hoy se vota en Puerto Rico. A todos los boricuas: ¡salgan a votar!

Come on Barack Obama!