Brotherly love

Just got back from Philly not too long ago. We spent a long, lovely day in the city, and I have to say, I'm liking it. We did typical touristy things: the Liberty Bell, a tour of Independence Hall, eating Philly cheese steaks and water ice.... You know, the usual.
We also did a good bit of walking, just wandering around the city. It felt good. I miss city life.....
I'm kind of struggling with NOT being in MY housing because I never heard from anyone about it, and while I feel like there's some God-ordained reason for that, I'm struggling to love Wayne. I'm thankful for my house, you know, and my roommate, but I do miss MY type stuff. I've always found so much beauty in broken sidewalks and people in close proximity....

Anyway, a couple pics for your enjoyment. Hopefully there will be more on the way...


The only picture I took when we saw the Liberty Bell. No pics of the actual thing.... Ha, ha.


Me, Joyce, Seth, Ben, Courtney, and Elise, as taken by Rachel.

That NEVER happens!

Like any other grown woman who's left a job and security to go back to school full time, I've been more than a little concerned about money. I'm really praying about whether or not to look for a job - I'm giving myself a month to see how work would play into my new schedule. I might be able to handle it, but it might be too much. Anyway, in the meantime, I'm trying to be careful about money.
Today I was getting ready to go to school when there was a knock on the door. He had some questions about mail that was being forwarded (oh, the joys of having a parent with a similar name...) and he delivered the rest of the mail. Anyway, I opened this big envelope that my dad had sent me and found three more envelopes inside: one dealing with my loans, the other from the hospital, and the third: a check for almost three hundred dollars.

Hello, miracle!

Fresh

Brothers, pray for us.
1 Thess. 5:25

I've been in orientation the past two days. And by that, I mean we had one day of nearly twelve hours of information, and one day that involved a campus tour and a picnic with box lunches from The freakin' Corner Bakery. Basically, we've been treated insanely well.

I've met everyone in the program, and I'm so excited for what's going to come out of this year. There are very few of us doing the urban track, but there is some overlap with the international group. I still can't get over the incredible diversity of our group as far as life experiences, backgrounds, interests, but there is this common thread of passion for service in God's Kingdom. It's the first time I've been outside a (strictly) Mission Year group and felt like so many of the people GOT what drives me. Teach Overseas was close, but this is that step beyond. It's an organization more in line with what I see myself doing in the future: this cobbling together of all the things that I love in order to serve. I want to be someone who empowers men and women and kids to do the impossible, to do what they have never dreamed they could do, simply because God has done that for me.

But it's going to be an intense year, and I have given up a lot of my comforts and a lot of my preferences to do this great unknown thing. I have no job, scant savings, these enormous student loans, and a car that makes it up hills at speeds above thirty miles an hour only by the grace of God. We were put in small groups yesterday to do a little Bible study on Psalm 84, and it really hit me. Get beyond easy worship songs that we sing without thinking. This Psalm is about wanting to journey to God's temple. It's about not quite being there, or not being able to go, but longing for that rest and that security. It's about trusting and leaving a trail of blessings as you set out for the goal. Verse twelve really got to me:

"O LORD of hosts, blessed is the man who trusts in You!"

This is what I feel like I'm doing. I've left the comforts of home, of the wonderful NOVA area (at once Southern and not, in all the best ways), of familiarity, and have thrown myself at this with a thousand unanswered or unanswerable questions because I know with everything in me that this is where God wants me. And I can already see what He's doing for me. I needed this. Needed something JUST LIKE THIS to get me through what might have been one of the driest years of my life.
There's this:
Persistance, trust, faith.

And I'm working on all three.

Tomorrow

Is my first day of orientation. I'm nervous and excited. Here we go....

Our house, in the middle of our street

Pics of the apartment, as promised.
Me with my roommate at the front door

The view from the front hallway

View of the living room from the back hallway

The kitchen


And now for my room:
My bed

My desk - by the foot of my bed - and my dresser

My "reading nook"

The front window and bookshelf. You can see the curtain that I hung all by myself.


And finally, my attempts at hanging pictures without a level:
Some above my bed - obviously crooked and off-centered.

Some more in my reading area, looking better.

Jump and Fall

I don't fall easily; I really, really don't. I've got these walls, I'm careful with this heart, and I value my space and independence. I'm not "cariñosa" or mushy....
But when I fall, I fall hard. I've got a bit of a romantic streak deep down inside - deeeeeeeeep down inside. I don't believe in easy love or that you only fall in love once, or even that you can only love one person at a time. Love is - in my flawed and limited understanding of the subject - a messy thing that you have to choose to do, day in and day out. It's the kind of thing you have to work at and fight for. There's no fighting it; it's this almost involuntary thing, this subconcious decision - half feeling, half choice. And when it picks you up, it can sweep you under. But you have to make the choice to make it work. Does that make sense? You can love a person, love them with everything in you, and know that you can't make the relationship itself work. Not that the love will go away, just that that same love will make you choose to maintain some distance.

I've been in love. I'm still friends with the first man I ever loved, I still love him deeply, but I'm aware that our relationship won't work. I want what's best for him and that's not me.

I still hear from the only other guy I've ever loved. That love is a bit rawer, still the kind of thing that can sweep me up in its current, a little on the violent side because of a healthy dose of heartache that was thrown in by both parties. Me with my inability to express emotions, him with his indecision; fear on both sides, I guess.

This past week I've been wondering if it was worth it. There's a part of me that wonders why this heart still loves him, still thinks of him, still holds him in high esteem.... There's this song that says that you can't hide from love; it's too strong, and I kind of feel like that's the case here. Let's weigh the pros and cons, shall we?
The pros: It's mutual.
The cons: It's mutual.
Hmmm....

That sounds like it should work out, yes? But here's the thing: I don't think we'll be able to get past some issues, a few obstacles, our own fears - the usual. En fin, it's not going to work out, y eso se ve a leguas. Is it worth it? Worth it to talk about the reality of what we're feeling, the way we'd like things to be, the hopes we have?

I'm thinking it has been, and it still is. I've learned a lot and am still learning. When we finally make that decision to walk away, it'll be as wiser people. I've learned to take chances, emotional risks, say what I feel. I've been learning to surrender.
I like to think he's learned not to play it safe, that there's more to life than what he's always known, and that he needs to step it up and make decisions.

There's this song by Los Bukis (yeah, yeah, don't judge me!) that I like, and that Los Enanitos Verdes covered: "Tu cárcel". The chorus goes like this:

"Pero recuerda nadie es perfecto, y tú lo verás
tal vez mil cosas mejores vendrán, pero cariño sincero jamás.
Vete olvidando, de esto que hoy dejas
y que cambiarás
por la aventura que pronto verás
será tu cárcel y nunca saldrás"

A rough translation: "But remember, no one is perfect, and you'll see that maybe a thousand better things will come, but never sincere love. Start forgetting about this that you're leaving today, and trading in for an adventure that you'll soon see will be your prison and you'll never escape." It sounds even worse in English....
The point is, I don't believe that's how it works. I don't believe we'll walk away from one another and miss out on true love. I think we'll walk away and continue to love one another, but be better at loving the other people who come into our lives. Does that make sense? It's kind of like that Ricardo Arjona song "Reputación" - where all of their experiences have prepared them for each other.

So yes, the risk, the heartache, the confusion has been worth it: I have learned and am learning.

Own worst enemy

This is something that I've been thinking about for a long time, and I've been meaning to write about it for quite awhile (see "Hypothetical"), but I just hadn't gotten around to it.
Tonight, however, I've got John Legend on iTunes, and I'm inspired partly by him, and partly by the time I've had to think.

First: this area where I'm living feels so *white*. It's been a loooong time since I've been somewhere that isn't crazy diverse, and as a brown-skinned woman, it's a comfort to know that there are people who look like me around. It makes me feel safer. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but my fellow minorities, but we don't have the luxury of not noticing those kinds of things. I'm aware of these things, and with the recent news about the teens here killing a Mexican man basically for being Mexican, I'm a little worried.

Anyway, that's not the direction I was going to take with this post, because it doesn't really have to do with the violence inflicted on minorities, but rather on the violence and oppression we inflict on our own people.

Yes, we've still got to deal with racism, discrimination, and a real fear of how people might react towards our otherness. No matter what people say, things haven't changed that much - racism is just more hidden now. It continues to be a systematic, endemic thing in this country, a presence just as real and as evil as any other form of oppression or injustice. I'm not saying that there isn't a real need for racial healing and reconciliation here, because there IS. There absolutely is. That said, how much do we as minorities turn on our own people?

I think I first started thinking about this in earnest after watching "American Gangster". It was a good movie, don't get me wrong; the story pulls you in, and Denzel Washington is just so stinkin' good. The thing is, as I'm sitting there falling in love with his character, wanting him to get away with everything, and getting caught up in the sexiness of organized crime, it occured to me that while Frank Lucas's life is being built up, countless other lives are being destroyed by his product.
He's using this crime syndicate to show that a Black man can be succesful and run his own organization, but this is at the expense of all these other Black lives which are being consumed by heroin.
There's an allure, an attractiveness, a sexiness in that gangster lifestyle. Otherwise, movies like "American Gangster", "Scarface", and "The Godfather" wouldn't be the icons they are. There's something so smooth and so cool in the way we portray these men. And it's not just in movies, music and popular novels are also filled with these gangster ideals; it's part of American culture. And we buy into it.
It's not a matter of life imitating art. This is a true story, and organized crime was around before these movies and rap and reggaetón came into being. As minorities, we turn on our own people in search of that prestige. Frank Lucas wasn't taking his cheap heroin to exclusive neighborhoods; he was getting rich off of poor Blacks and Latinos: people who looked like him and his wife. And the man who started his empire to be free of the control of white America made slaves of his own people.

When I was working in DC this summer, we had several big incidents at the Rec Center. One staff member was physically assaulted, another was held up at gunpoint, and a man was shot on the same block. We keep doing these things to our own people. You see it all the time: gang violence, Black-on-Black crime, wealthier Latinos who exploit undocumented Latinos....
How can we expect to make headway if we keep our own people down? How can we fight for justice and equality when we're so busy turning on our own? How can we ever free this nation from the ugliness of racism if we're determined to be our own worst enemies?

It's so frustrating. If all of us minorities, in every shade of non-white skin, would get together, if we'd stop fighting eachother as well as our own people, we'd be so much more effective at bringing about profound changes in this country. Do I believe it's possible? I don't know. I'm a bit of a cynic, but, my God, I hope it's possible.

Ummm, hilarious

Does anyone else think it sounds like they're referring to a certain part of the female anatomy (in a slightly vulgar way)? Perhaps where they keep placing the bear? Can you imagine making that commercial and having to say "Tiddy Bear" over and over without bursting out into laughter?!

Mmm hmm

I love, love, love this man's music!

And his eyes, and his hair, and his stinkin' sexy voice....

And this song in particular:

"Refuge (When It's Cold Outside)" by John Legend



Of course, I love everything he does, so maybe that's not saying much.
zum Beispiel: "Show Me"
"PDA (We Just Don't Care)"

Two very different songs, but both are so smart and so good.


In other news, I am now the proud owner of a GPS system. That means I will be constantly annoyed by Lola's (that's her name) "Recalculating", but I will not need Mapquest anymore and I'll be able to figure out this area.

I'm in PA!

The move was a success. We drove up yesterday, made it in about three/four hours, and I spent last night here at the apartment by my little self. I unpacked to my heart's content, watched "The Bodyguard" like a big cheeseball, got scared going to the bathroom on the other side of the apartment in the middle of the movie (took a flashlight), and finally went to sleep around 3:45 am.

This morning, I woke up around nine to sunlight in my room (LOVE IT!), took a bath - my first in YEARS, and finished unpacking. We also managed to get the internet set up here, at least until S., our upstairs neighbor, moves next month. After that, we'll see what we do.

My room is all set up, I'm getting settled, and I'm excited for classes to start. Also, I'm nervous and miss G-F. Awww....

All in all: so far, so good.

I'll be sure to post pics of the apartment before I get too busy with school stuff.

Almost there....

I spent last night with my "Foreign Language Friends". We had dinner and spoke Spanish so that M could practice and C could learn. It reminded me of just why I loved working at G-F. I seriously couldn't have worked with a better group. K, one of the new Spanish teachers (and there are a lot) and the new department head, is also cool. I'm glad to know that there will be more good people joining the group, though I will miss being there.
Other than that, I got caught up on the G-F gossip - always fun.

Today I went to the clinic (finally!) and feel much better. I also took care of a few more pending issues and enjoyed pho' at my favorite Vietnamese place where they know me and know what I like. I really heart that place....

I'm just about set to go. Orientation starts the 25th and classes start the 27th. Holy geez, kids: I'm going back to school.... It's strange to be on the other side of the desk after all these years (three, but still). Alright, I'm getting back to packing mode.

Girls with curls....

So, according to this article, guys won't find me as attractive, but employers will perceive me as confident, independent, and low-maintenance.

The bottom line: I heart my curls, I hate to spend more than five minutes on my hair, and I'll rock my natural sexiness anyday over the straight look that takes so loooong for me to achieve.

Dang, that's some big hair! She might not be that pretty, but she sure seems independent and low-maintanance! ;)

Countin' down

I'm moving to the Philly area in FIVE days. I'll be on the road on Saturday, if all goes according to plan. My room is a wreck of boxes and half-packed ish. It'll all get done, I'm sure. Nerves are kicking in, I won't lie. But it'll all work out.



There is obviously something wrong with this countdown.

Any help would be greatly appreciated....

Notes on a (vicariously taken) Latin American Journey

I finally got a copy of "The Motorcycle Diaries" last Thursday, which I have been meaning to read for ages. I finished it on Tuesday - it was better than I'd expected it to be. I mean, the movie was magnificent: the story and the breathtaking landscapes of Latin America are the kinds of things that stir my heart. That, and the brilliance of Gael García Bernal.
But the book! There's so much in it about that connection with the mestizo and indigenous heritage of Latin America that I fell in love with. I do feel a connetion and affinity for my Taíno heritage. I've always been interested in it, even as a kid. Anyway, there's this rediscovery on his part of the origins of Latin America - the part that so many have tried to erase over centuries of colonization and oppression. Now I'm sounding a bit radical - which I'm not, not really.

But there's this beauty in the connection of Latinos, and in the sophistication of the tribes that were originally found in México, el Caribe, Central and South America, that I love. And that's what spoke to me as I was following Che before he was Che from Argentina to Chile, through Perú, and onward to Colombia and Venezuela (with an accidental detour into the Brazilian Amazon).
This has always been my favorite part of the movie, and it's the thing that sums up the book for me: Ernesto's toast on his final night in the lepers' colony in Perú:

"Although our insignificance means we can't be spokespeople for such a noble cause, we believe, and after this journey more firmly than ever, that the division of America into unstable and illusory nations is completely fictionalal. We constitute a single mestizo race, which from Mexico to the Magellan Straits bears notable ethnographical similariteis. And so, in an attempt to rid myself of the weight of small-minded provincialism, I propose a toast to Peru and to a United Latin America."

Yes, there's staggering diversity in Latin America, but the truth is that our shared history and our common language and that commonality of mixed blood unites us as well. Not, of course, that I'm advocating some new "Bolivarian" revolution a là Huguito (Chávez of Venezuela), but that I do believe we should, as nations and as individuals, help one another. We are, in a sense, brothers and sisters.

Also....

I freakin' love this word - it just sounds like what it means.

Sice
(Like "ice" with an "s" at the beginning)
Verb
to make something out to be more than what it is, especially when someone makes a smart remark aimed at another and a third party wants to see more come of it and starts "ooh"-ing.

PS - even though urban dictionary says it's DC/MD slang, I've been hearing it in VA for a while now. It's all the same area, anyway...

Before leaving....

Some things I'd like to do before I leave VA:

1. Learn to shoot a gun. Not that it has anything to do with moving to the Philly area, just something I've been wanting to do for a while - even though I hate guns, even if I never own one. I just want to say that I know how to use one.

2. Hit up Old Town Alexandria and try either the Greek place or the Lebanese place that I keep meaning to try, except that I just really stinkin' love Casablanca (fabulous Moroccan place).

3. Go to my pho' spot one more time and eat there - no carry out. I'll enjoy my usual pho ga and che. YUM! Also, eat at Taste of Tandoor and El Charro one more time. Geez, I love food!

4. Go to a museum and really enjoy it - no kiddies running around and hitting eachother or whining about how much they have to walk. Bask in the glory of FREE museums and the wealth of information stored there.

5. Admit, once and for all, that, no matter what happens, I have become an East Coast chica and a proud resident of NOVA - even if it is the southern end of NOVA. So much unexpected diversity here in VA, so much good food, such an important area in terms of national and world events. I'll enjoy the fact that people here know politics, have opinions, and are generally well-informed about such issues. Believe, that is a luxury not found in most parts of this country. I <3 VA.... Who knew it'd happen?!

Inmigración - Europa y las Américas

"Papeles Mojados" by Chambao
Here we have a song about illegal immigration to Spain. She's saying "What would you do in their shoes?" There's all this injustice, poverty, war, disease.... Wouldn't you risk it, too? Many don't make it, but those who do just want a better life. And across the pond....

"Mojado" by Ricardo Arjona and Intocable
Same story, different continent.

I could throw in "Visa para un sueño" by Juan Luis Guerra and it'd still be the same, with a slightly different geographical focus (DR-PR). The thing is, it sucks to be the stranger in every case. There are valid reasons for this movement of people, and though it can't continue unchecked, closing borders does nothing to resolve the underlying problems (economic and political instability, injustice, poverty, violence, disease, etc.).

Band-aids aren't enough.