Count it, baby!

Countdown Clocks at WishAFriend.com

Mic check - takin' it back

1. "I Can Still Feel You" by Collin Raye

Loved it when I first heard it, back in the late 90s and it's been in my head for the last few weeks. "I can still feel you just as close as skin/ Every now and then/ All by myself, in a crowded room, or my empty bed..../I thought I'd forget you/ But I guess I forgot to."

2. "Dreaming of You" by Selena

Brings back so many memories. Weren't all of us Latinos in the US Selena fans when this came out? So sad....

3. "I Could Fall in Love" by Selena

Yeah, that's two by Selena. But seriously, I love this one: "I could lose my heart tonight if you don't turn and walk away...."

4. "I Can't Stop Loving You" by Ella Fitzgerald

You know, or anything else by her. Because she's amazing. No one sings like this these days.

5. "El breve espacio en que no estás" by Silvio Rodríguez

I'm a bit of a Silvio junkie - something I inherited from my (conservative, apolitical) father (go figure). It took me forever to narrow down my Silvio picks, but this has always been one of my favorites: "No es perfecta, mas se acerca a lo que yo simplemente soñé."

6. "Con diez años de menos" by Silvio Rodríguez and Pablo Milanés

He really is that brilliant: "Esta mujer me propone que salte y me estrelle, sólo para verle, sólo para amarle, sólo para serle, solo y no olvidarle." My dad and I were always fascinated by those lines. What poets, those two!


7. "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey
The video is important because everyone told me that I looked like the girl in it when it came out. Mariah was so GOOD back then! I'll also admit that I'm a huge fan of the David Cook version, so I'll include that video here. But, seriously, check out the original, because that totally could've been a twelve year old me. ;)


8. "Tal vez es amor" by Chayanne

I remember being in the car with Titi Myrna when this one came on. I must've been about twelve, the cheesiness together with Chayanne's sexiness made it an instant favorite. "No sé decir lo que me gusta de ti, algo me mata pero me hace vivir: tal vez es amor."

9. "Moscas en la casa" by Shakira

This one, or anything else from the "¿Dónde están los ladrones?" album. This was probably the first Shakira song that I fell in love with, though, so I chose it, though I was seriously debating "Ciega Sordomuda" and "Ojos Así".... This was the album that shot her to international stardom, before the crazy curls and the blonde hair. She's so beautiful and young here....

10. "My Boo" by Ghost Town DJs

My sister and I had this one on repeat. It still makes me want to dance.

11. "Always" by Bon Jovi

Stinkin' copyrights.... Check out the original video. I couldn't get enough of it: so much hotness!

12. "Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze

Even back then I could recognize a hot beat. ;)

13. "More than Words" by Extreme

My favorite of the one-hit wonders. I always remember my cousins singing along to this and saying something like: "zen ju gwouldn't have to say that ju love me, because I'd alreary know..." The "alreary" was my favorite. Aww, but the four of us girls would sit in Liliana's room and play this tape OUT!

14. "Súbete a mi moto" by Menudo

Waaaaaay back. You can't be Puerto Rican and born in the seventies or eighties and not remember Menudo. I had pencils, t-shirts, and all the records (yes, records) which I played non-stop on my Big Bird record player (it was yellow). There's video of me dancing to this classic. Someone should've fired their choreographer, though....

15. "Rush Rush" by Paula Abdul

My favorite Paula Abdul song EVER - this one and "Blowing Kisses in the Wind". Ha, ha. We were huge fans. The reason this video won is for the young Keanu Reeves (those EYES!) and the "Rebel Without a Cause" theme. Major points for any James Dean reference.

Bonus Pick:
"I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me" by Expose

I used to cry listening to this one. How I identified with it at ten, I'll never know, but I loved it....

late

It's amazing, but after blogging yesterday, I felt the tightness in my chest dissipate, my mind cleared, and I was okay.

I just got home from Spring Concert and cleaning of the apartment. *sigh* Concert was good, from what I saw. I was so proud of A., R., V., S., and D. Three of them had solos, and I made it a point to run from the band rooms that were serving as a holding tank to the auditorium to catch their performances. One girl got sick, so Ms. W. and I had to take turns watching out for her. It was pretty busy back there....

Other than that, it's the same old, same old - for better or worse.

J. reminded me of this gem today, and it seems to fit with everything right now.

Mother to Son


Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

--Langston Hughes

I do love me some Langston Hughes....

Más es3

Yesterday N. commented on my appearance at Friday's Senior/Faculty game: "Oooh, Ms. S! I saw you there with a friiiieeeend." I'd gone with B. Apparently, people noticed. Haha.

Today, A. invited me to her graduation party on the 14th. BK will probably be in town, but I feel compelled to stop by. I do love that kid....

In other news, I'm stressed beyond belief. Seriously.

I'm making a list and giving it up. It's not mine to deal with anymore. Deep breath, FJ, and let. it. go.

1. Exams.
2. Two-hour blocks.
3. Grading.
4. My app.
5. Summer job situation.
6. Money.
7. Ticket to LA.
8. C.'s wedding.
9. C.'s wedding conflicting with the summer job situation.
10. No, really, money.
11. My stupid heart.
12. My kid's knowledge of the subjunctive.
13. Post exam evals.
14. Graduation.
15. Cleaning out my classroom.
16. Not having my classroom during planning to clean it out.
17. Lack of workouts.
18. Overwhelming desire for more chocolate.
19. Messed up phone.
20. Placement exams.
21. Professional leave and sub plans.
22. My birthday.
23. Family.
24. Lack of privacy.

Okay. Another deep breath - I'm letting it go.

Feeling better already....

Another one and a list

I'll blame it on the hormones. Hormones and stress.... Anyway, this:

Mountains Out of Molehills

Catch a bit of this and that;
Add two of mine
to two of your own.
Draw your assumptions.
Those words:
"I KNOW".
Really?
Really, really?
From whose lips, because you don't
"KNOW"
it from these.
Feed the rumor mill,
play the games,
spread that talk.
I tighten my lips
clench my jaw.
Believe what you will.
I know -
first hand -
and that's enough.

A look at my to-do list below.

End of the school year:
Senior exams begin FRIDAY.
Graduation next weekend.
Exams.
Somewhere in there, I should grade placement exams from the middle schools.
Spring Concert - I promised I'd help....
Clean classroom.
My birthday.
Cristina's wedding.
Job search.
Scream.
Breathe.

Yes, I am

A little crazy.
Letting go.
Slacking.
Smiling.
Breathing deeply.
Taking it in.
Brushin' my shoulders off.
Moving forward.
Closing my eyes.
Listening.
Enjoying.
Waiting.
Living...
my way, and right now.

Content.

home

Confession: I don't always love weekends.

I feel the need to leave more and more lately. There are two things I miss about living alone: freedom and privacy. I feel like I have neither lately. How long till August? *sigh* My parents are good people, really, they are. It's just that sometimes there's a bit too much drama from one end and the only way to appease her is for him to play along. And then no one is happy.

I have to report my whereabouts, I get calls when it's late, I get the 'You're going out with HIM?!' followed by a speech about said person's lack of husbandly qualities. Talk about jumping to conclusions! I've come to the point where I preface things with "Just to let you know," so that they're aware that I'm not asking for permission.

I just want a little breathing room sometimes. I hate having to justify where I'll be and what I'm doing. I mean, I'll be working out and it's: "You know, you should do some laundry." Right now? Really? This is when you have to bring it up?

Last night I went out to dinner and the G-F faculty vs. seniors basketball game with B. It was a fun time followed by a little wandering at Target. After that, I drove home and just wanted to collapse into bed with a movie and some quiet.

There was a student on my porch. Seriously. The house full of people eating everywhere, talking. I was up forever. Not to mention the weirdness of having X and his mom at my house seeing me in a completely different element: English, my space, my interests, no language lessons.

Today I've got a lot to do. I'm going to try to convince E. he wants to spend Monday with me, registering voters in Alexandria.... I really do want to find a more tangible way to support the Democratic campaign in general and Barack Obama in particular. Registering voters would be a cool thing, I think....

jueves

Long but good day.
First block seems like ages ago. My kids had some presentations, some entertaining, others were still okay. We'll have to keep working on the subjunctive, just because it's difficult, but they seem to be grasping the concept as best they can right now.

Second and fourth blocks my kids presented their final projects for Crónica de una muerte anunciada. They had to come up with a creative representation of one of the book's main themes. I got a lot of collages - some better than others, a hand-drawn timeline; a skit involving I. from News 4, Ángela Vicario, and the resurrected Santiago Nasar (fabulous!); a sword made of cardboard and aluminum foil with Víctor Manuelle as Santiago Nasar, Britney Spears as Ángela Vicario, and Kanye West's head on a duck as Bayardo San Román..... My kids are amazing sometimes. Just when I think they're not going to get their acts together, they pull it out and surprise me. This is what I'll miss when I'm gone.... Awww... I can't believe I'm leaving!

Sixth block, we started on the imperfect subjuntive - difficult concept, and I can already tell it's going to be killer for these kids, but I want to make sure they're prepared for next year. They'll make it through, I'm sure. It'll just be a mini unit anyway, since we're creeping up on the end of that school year....

Graduation is 15 days away and my birthday will be here in 13, not that I counted or anything, but I did. Haha.... Twenty-six isn't even a cool age, so I'm not making a really big deal out of it, but I wouldn't mind a soccer game and some dancing.

EDGE Club was pretty amazing today, too, at least the part I was there for. Mr. D. came by and talked to me about leaving. Seems like he'll miss me; I won't miss the frustration of GC with him, but I will miss him as a person. He's just a really nice guy.

Everyday I add items to my mental list of all I'll miss. So much, man.... So, so much....

For example:

* My 150+ kids
* Department lunches
* Food days
* The sound of students working in groups
* "¿B grande o v chica?"
* The satisfaction of writing a lesson plan and seeing it come to life
* The "Aha!" face
* "That starts with h?"
* "That needs an accent on the o, right?"
* The crush of humanity in the hallways during passing periods: wall-to-wall in every shade of skin
* The challenge of making grammar interesting
* Telling kids they've done an amazing job
* The easy banter in the classroom
* Being with people who believe in the importance of language
* Sharing my love for a subject

Catch up

Last night, I met up with J, and old friend from college whom I hadn't seen in about five years. We got some dinner, did a little shopping, and had dessert. It was good to see her and get caught up on everything. We're so old. Haha.

I'd been suspecting that one of my students is pregnant, but I'm pretty sure it is actually the case. It hit me today because she's still wearing that big, baggy sweatshirt that she always wears, and it's starting to poke out a bit. She's a sweet kid, lovely and smart. It's so crazy to see these things happening sometimes.... You just sit back and watch. You do what you can, but you can't do it all. It's such a life-changing thing, and you don't realize the weight of it at sixteen.

On a lighter note, I've been working out hardcore lately: abs, upper body (my arms, yo!), legs, cardio.... I'm a fit chica these days and bathing suit season is coming (anyday now, God, it's too cold to be late May!) and I'll be rocking my bikini. HOWEVER! I had a student - we'll call him M. - tell me today that he ran into a kid (who no longer comes to school, mind you) who told M. that he'd heard that I was pregnant. Excuse me? Seriously? Have you seen these abs?

I looked down, looked up, and said something like, "Are you seriously asking me?"
M. said, "I told him I didn't know."
Not know? You see me everyday, kid! There's no way I'm pregnant....

Anyway, it seems that's the latest rumor around the halls.... I came home a little paranoid and asked my parents if I looked like I had a belly, both said no, sounding a little shocked. Sigh of relief, abs are okay. Haha....

Heavier: goodbyes at today's faculty meeting. It was FREEEEEZING! I sat and shivered the entire time. We all had to speak if we were leaving, which was just annoying because it went on way too long. Now I have my official G-F mug. It's a little sad. Twenty-five people are leaving and five are retiring. That's some turnover.... I'll miss it all so much. Well, maybe not all.... ;)

Okay, off to do my second workout session of the day.

Run

I am not a runner. I hate running, actually. It's punishment, gym class, asthma attacks....

Even so, back in October or November, I just up and started running. I did it to get away from my own thoughts. There's something about that punishment of you and the road and an i-pod playing songs that sting your eyes to clear your head of everything but the breath in your lungs. Running is for high stress. I've been doing it lately with E. I don't think he knows why I'm running and not at home kick boxing - imagining myself landing perfect jabs and crosses on whomever. I don't think he knows how good the distraction is for me.
When we run there's only this:
Feet on the track in steady rhythm
Sweat
Music in one ear
Conversation in snippets of gasped air
Sun
Air in my lungs
Clarity.

In other news, we had S.'s retirement party today. We just had some cake and punch in the library - low key - though there were plenty in attendance. She'll be missed. I can't believe how quickly this year is coming to an end, and while I'm ready, it hasn't quite hit me that I won't be back....

There will be a flood of bittersweet emotion on the 6th for graduation.... I watched a lot of those kids grow up - 15 to 18 - and love them, honestly do. It's the end of this stage for all of us.

Trying to convince BK she REALLY wants to come here for my birthday, we'll see how it goes.

Off to the track.

PS This is hilarious.

struggle...

First, there's this:

Psalm 23
1The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
2He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
3He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

For all that it's one of the most famous passages in Scripture, it grabs me everytime. Lord knows I need it right now....

Second, I've been reflecting a lot this weekend. Things have been tumbling in my head and I came to the decision today that I am putting it all on God and stepping away. I can't do it; He has to.

Third, for all the hurt that I'm feeling, I'm trying to believe that I made the right decision. Not so much for me, but for everyone else involved. And if I end up alone, I'm trusting that God gets me through this one, too. It'll hurt, but it has to be done, had to be done, and this, too, shall pass.

Fourth, there are two.

"The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay


and "El sonido del silencio" by Alex Campos

Here's lookin' at you kid....

So I went out with B last night for some much needed fun. We met up at Target and did a little shopping while we tried to figure out what to do. I'd imagined a little pool or something low key down this way, but we started talking about food and settled on going to Old Town and seeing what struck our fancy.

So we parked way down on King Street, over by the water, and walked around, talking, watching the kids going to prom (so cute!), and stopping by to get balloon hearts with balloon animals attached (later given to some lady on the street who asked where we'd gotten it). We walked past all the usual suspects in search of something different. So, we walked and walked until we stumbled across Casablanca, this Moroccan place. We walk in and there's bellydancing, and all the tables are positioned around the dance floor. We got a table right along the dance floor, leaned back on the pillows, and let the waiter order for us.

The food was AMAZING, the dancing was entertaining, and we had a lot to catch up on. We left so FULL after our Kasbah feast, so the walk back to the car was welcome. We thought about stopping at this tapas place with good music for a little dancing, but it was getting late.... Maybe next time....

It's been a hot minute since I've had that much fun....

PS - If you're in the NOVA area and haven't checked out Casablanca, you're missing out.

Heavy things

First off: I don't want comments on this one. Read it if you want, but know that this is me trying to sort things out the only way I know how: writing. I'm not coming to any conclusions, not sure where I'm going with it, not sure how things will end. I don't want comments. I just want space to vent.

That said, I've been going through some "issues" lately. Partly of my own making, I'll admit that, but partly thrust upon me. Don't jump to conclusions; there's an "s" - it's plural. There's been a lot going on. I've been thinking a lot about this all, and there are a few things that have been stuck in my head.

First: "If you want something, then you go for it." It might have come out of my own mouth, but I've been thinking about it more and more, and I realize it's not always the case. In fact, after I said it I was asked, "Is that what you're doing?" And my answer was no; not exactly no, but basically that I was choosing to avoid something that I didn't want instead of going after what I wanted. Does that make sense? My desire to avoid something overrode my desire to have another. Is that the same principle at work? Perhaps.... But it still sounds like a cop out, although this course is probably harder than the alternative.

Second: "Aquél que se ata al pasado no puede proyectarse al futuro y arruina su presente." This from my pastor this morning. Rough translation: He who is tied to his past can't project himself toward the future and ruins his present. Am I doing this? Am I tying myself to the past? Sometimes I feel like I am, especially lately when I've felt that I've had every sin past and present thrown in my face as evidence that I am not a good daughter, a bad Christian, a sorry excuse for a friend, a "f---ing b----".... I acknowledge that I am not the person I'd like to be, that I have myriad flaws and that I'm stumbling through life the best I can. Yes, I suck, but I'm moving forward. The point is, I'm struggling with all these memories of the past and with the knowledge of how easily I can fail. I'm trying to feel like God hasn't turned His back on me, hasn't left me by the wayside. It's so hard to translate head knowledge to heart knowledge sometimes....

Third: Along the same lines: "Buscad primero el reino de Dios y su justicia y todo lo demás vendrá por añadidura." (Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all of these things will be added to you - or something like that. I don't know the Bible in English.) I feel like I'm asking - begging - God for some answers and some requests, but like I've been forgotten. I see everyone else getting what they're asking for and it hurts to feel like my own requests get stuck at the ceiling. But the truth is that I need to remember to put Him first. I need to seek Him first. I haven't been doing that the way I need to.... So this is one I need to work on. I know this.

Fourth: "La valentía es una decisión" coupled with "No te rindas" - Bravery is a choice and Don't give up. Bravery as a choice kind of struck me. It means you're afraid and you go forth anyway. It means you're terrified, but not paralyzed. I think I've been letting fear stop me more often than I'd realized. Fear of many things, sometimes conflicting fears.... And this not giving up thing - tenacity - I'm not sure what direction that's pushing me in, but it kind of fits with my first point.... What do I want? Which direction is bravery going to point me in? What am I going to fight for? I don't know, yet. I'm hoping point three will push me there.

Fifth: "La unidad implica renuncia" - unity implies surrender. And this doesn't completely negate "Don't give up"; it's kinda like my example of avoiding what I DON'T want. It's about surrendering some of my own desires for the greater good. And that's not easy. I'm not good at that, not good at giving up what I've dreamt of and wished for, not good at putting this greater good ahead of me. If life were as black and white as people think it is, this would be so simple, but there's so much gray that the greater good isn't always the easiest thing to know. It kind of brings to mind Atonement and Crónica de una muerte anunciada. In both, there's this greater good, and this ambivalence about how to get there. I don't know if those connections make sense to anyone but me, but that's what came to me....

Sixth: This song, running through my head.


I'm trying....

Meh...

Just got back from my girl J's graduation dinner. Good times and way too much Puerto Rican food. There was pastelón, y'all! Soooo good! Haha.

Friday.

Sigh of relief...

It was a long week, and I'm ready for some time off. Tomorrow I have a meeting at church in the morning. All morning. Haha. Oh well, at least I can come home and work out.

In the meantime, I've got this song in my head. The song is Maná straight up, the folks in the video are NOT, and it makes me laugh. Haha.



I've got two or three more elements to send in to Eastern for my app - my references. I'm praying I can get all that taken care of ASAP....

So ready for something new, someplace new. It's getting hard to breathe down here....

"A Promise"

This came to me in bits and pieces last night and throughout the course of the day. It's so easy to say something to someone and then let them down. We're all guilty of this, yes? I don't like making promises, don't like offering guarantees, don't like accepting to do a favor before I hear it. It's all so likely to fall. Words, for all their power, all their beauty, all their ugliness, aren't actuality - actions are.
And this was all so clear to me today in the wake of last night. You know, lo que pasó, pasó. And the poem came anyway.


A Promise

Air.
Vital, life-giving, refreshing.
Insubstantial, weightless.
Whisper it again,
because it'll mean everything and
nothing.
Light as the air
I displace.
Heavy as the ache in this heart.
Say it again.

Air.

Nothing to back it up
besides my trust.
Nothing to give it substance
besides your action.

Say it again.

It's nothing but
Air.

Last day of SOL schedules tomorrow, thank God! These two hour blocks are killer, but it seems like I've just about made it.

In other news, my legs feel like jelly today. I'm crazy sore from my run. Even my abs hurt. Signs of a good workout and an engaged core, I'm sure, but that doesn't keep me from avoiding heels higher than an inch and complaining a bit. Haha.

Political and disjointed

If you're not into politics, go ahead and skip over this one.
I've been thinking about this for a long time now and last night's primaries in WV kind of compelled me to put this out there.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room for a minute, shall we?

Race matters. It matters a lot and to a lot of people. This is not to say that we can't all get along or that we should segregate or whatever. We can have friends of different races and ethnicities and still be aware of those differences. We'd be lying if we said we weren't.

Mattering and discriminating are two different things, though, and I think both come into play in this long primary season. I think there's this deep fear in some parts of the country, in the hearts of many people of all races and ethnicities that a minority won't "make it" in the White House. Not necessarily that they won't make it IN, but that they won't do a fair job.

I keep hearing comments like this from coworkers here in liberal Northern VA, so I can only imagine what it's like in, say, Podunk, WV (not that I don't like WV - you know - it's wild and wonderful...) where people are a little more conservative.

But here's why I love me some Barack Obama:

I'm a brown woman. Bicultural, bilingual, not quite one thing and not quite the other. I have a sneaking suspicion he GETS that. You have to be black or brown or any shade of off-white to get what it's like to live that. Not that there aren't plenty of wonderful, compassionate, progressive Whites out there, just that they will never know what it's like to walk in another person's skin, in a different shade of skin. And that's okay.

That said, I think it's high time I had someone in government who could see things from a similar perspective. Someone who moves just as easily among mainstream White America as he/she does among minorities; someone who gets the nuances of representing an entire group of people; someone who can inspire us to be a more united and representative nation. There's a part of me, that idealistic part, that still believes in the democratic process and the beauty of representation, and I FEEL that from Barack Obama in a way that I don't feel it from Hilary Clinton.

This is a nation where if you are not White, you will always be an ethnic or racial label FIRST, hence this connection with the racial minority and not with the woman. Maybe I'm crazy, but this is what I'm feeling. I can get behind Obama's politics, I connect to what he's saying, and I know that he knows what life is like on the outside. That's important to me.
I can get behind Clinton's politics to an extent, but I don't connect to her the way I do with Obama. She doesn't get that outsider thing.

And it's the same way when it comes to Washington. Seriously, do I want a nineties flashback, a repeat of the GWB years, or something FRESH? I want a change. Someone who isn't dragging mid-nineties Washington baggage.

I think last night in WV proved that a lot of people aren't willing to look past what they know. Mejor es el diablo conocido - Better to deal with the evil we already know. At the same time, I believe there's a level of racial discrimination at play.... Ultimately, skin is skin. We all know this. But that skin is charged with so much meaning in this country and it's one of those status quo things that people just can't get past.

I pray that this country can come out of these racial and ethnic divides someday. I pray that we'll embrace our differences and forgive eachother for past mistakes. I pray that these elections and the shifting demographics don't serve to revive waves of supressed racial/ethnic issues.

I've been thinking a lot about racial reconciliation, lately, about how necessary it is, about how much I would like to be involved in that type of work.... I swear, I'm not militant. I just won't ignore this. I won't sit back and say that I don't see what I see or feel what I feel.

I've been out with men of other races and ethnic groups and been stared down. I've been called names and insulted. I've borne the burden of my people on my shoulders. I know that collective pain.

Ay, pero mi lindo Jesús, tú que tanto amas a tu pueblo, y a la nación que te ruega por guianza y ayuda, sana estas heridas. Trae una reconciliación, y recuérdanos que tú te manifiestas en la bella diversidad que has creado.

Wandering

Because I need a little building up:

Things I'm proud of today:
1. Waking up at 5:30 am to work out.
2. Checking my box BEFORE the first bell this morning.
3. Planning in advance.
4. Entering grades in my gradebook.
5. Correcting essays.
6. Eating only ONE square of chocolate.
7. Drinking my K2O
8. Avoiding both Target and Best Buy.
9. Buying my 4th block students a snack to reward their efforts on the exam today.
10. Saying a few earnest and honest prayers throughout the course of my day.
11. Seeing D., a former student who has since graduated and is in college.

I was listening to this crazy mix I've got in my car today and felt like I was listening to this for the first time:

I'm at that point. I need to get out of VA, need to start fresh and move on. Shake off all the VA baggage and spread my wings.

That little bit of Dixie Chicks wisdom reminded me of this gem.

It kinda speaks to me today....

Palabras

Son los que uno más aprecia que más nos lastiman. Son los que dicen querernos, los que dicen ser nuestros amigos hasta el fin que menos lo son.

Ya no quiero palabras.

No quiero que me digan mil cosas sin actuar.

Lo digo por varias razones, no te me asustes.

Me sacas de tu vida, me abres las puertas a tu vida, me dices que soy tu vida, me dices que no seré tu vida.

Ya.

No quiero seguir nutriéndome de palabras. Si me amas, enséñamelo. Si eres mi amigo, enséñamelo. Si soy tu vida, enséñamelo. Si no lo soy, enséñamelo.

Estoy luchando. Por el aire, por cada latido de mi corazón, por controlar estas lágrimas, luchando. Y si no me darán la gracia, la paciencia, el tiempo, que necesito, pues ¿qué más da?

IB therefore...

I need a good workout to destress today, but first:

One of my students didn't show up for the IB exam today. I saw him walking down the hall with this sheepish smile, laughing to himself.

Me: "J, why aren't you in the exam?!"
J: "Haha, I'm late."
Me: (Dumbfounded, mouth agape, trying to keep my cool....)
J: "I can make it up tomorrow, right?"
Me: "No. There's no make up exam, J."
J: (Face falling)Oh.

Oh, I was LIVID.

You do all you can, and this is how it goes down.

And my favorite part: When his classmates returned and I broke out the cookies and candy (a reward for a long day), he was one of the first to help himself.

Figures....

¿Qué se puede hacer...?

Running through my head....

"Hoy ya me voy" by Kany García

"Y duele porque fuiste todo lo que deseé un día
Pero si no hay amor
Sé que el deseo ya no bastaría, no oh!
Sufriendo por todo el recuerdo
Viviendo de remordimiento.
Hoy ya me voy amor y desearé
Que tengas un buen viaje y no lloraré
Porque sé bien que yo intenté quererte
Y le dije no a ser feliz
Porque solo pensaba en tí
Que yo aprendería
A amarte como tú lo hacías
Y debo decir adiós."

Glowin'

Last night I saw Lupe Fiasco (heart, heart, heart), N.E.R.D., Rihanna, and (drum roll, please!) Kanye-freakin'-West. I lost my voice, I was freezing, I was on my feet, oh, but it was so good.

Phenomenal.

Thanks, S. Best (early) birthday present EVER!

Things I'd like to recover:

1. The ability to trust, lost somewhere between 1986 and the present in small increments. My trust was embezzled, if you will....

2. Bravery, lost somewhere between August and the present.

3. Disregard for "el qué dirán", lost between 1991 and the present.

4. Ability to take emotional risks, lost in 2003.

5. My life before the quarter-life, lost in 2007.

"Words that Make my Stomach Plummet"

Words That Make My Stomach Plummet

by Mira McEwan

Committee Meeting. Burden of Proof.
The Simple Truth. Trying To Be Nice.
Honestly. I Could Have Died. I Almost Cried.
It’s Only a Cold Sore.
It’s My Night. Trust Me. Dead Serious.
I Have Everything All Under Control.
I’m Famous For My Honesty.
I’m Simply Beside Myself. We’re On The Same Page.
Let’s Not Reinvent The Wheel.
For The Time Being. There Is That.
I’m Not Just Saying That.
I Just Couldn’t Help Myself. I Mean It.

from Ecstatic. © Allbook Books, 2007



Heard it a few weeks ago on NPR and have been thinking about it ever since. So glad I found it.

For the boys

There are some songs that will forever remind me of certain people and certain events. I was thinking the other day about songs that reminded of me of past crushes and boyfriends, and it kinda made me smile to myself.

Here's a sampling:

1. For W., my seventh grade boyfriend and my first kiss: "Water Runs Dry" by Boyz II Men. We danced to it at a dance and called it our song even though it had nothing to do with our situation. Haha.


2. For F., my on-again-off-again boyfriend in high school, "Anytime" by Brian McKnight. I think it was the "off-again" aspect of our relationship that made me associate this song with him.


3. For M., my first love and the man with whom I had the most complicated and unconventional relationship, "Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson. We started out as friends, and were/are both experts at denial so it took us AGES to talk about our feelings.


4. For S., a college boyfriend, and good friend now (most days *wink*), "Leaving on a Jet Plane" by whoever sings that song (everyone has). Mostly because I was on my way to Costa Rica in the early stages of our relationship. I chose the video with the Lost theme for him.


5. For T., the man I had a crush on, and who crushed on me at various points during our long friendship, there are two. The first, "Miedo" by Pepe Aguilar for the moments when I was crushing hard and was too scared to say anything. The second, "Nada fue un error" by Coti for after we made out at Shannon's when we were in PR.... Haha.



6. For J., the one who broke my heart like I knew he would, "Te voy a perder" by Alejandro Fernández, because I knew it was inevitable, but I fell into it anyway.

The Colonel

We had my Stinky's retirement ceremony today. C, my sister, arrived as a surprise to my parents. They both cried when they saw her in the General's office before the ceremony.

My dad is amazing. Amazing. He's got this thick Puerto Rican accent, but that man gave a speech that was so brill. He talked about the importance of teamwork, about the stability of institutions that allow us to move in and out of them without losing the vision or efficiency. He talked about God, about Jesus putting everything in order for him. He talked about his small town in Puerto Rico and all the opportunities the Army has given him....



The truth is that my dad came out of nothing. He came from a poor family in a poor town, chasing Army convoys as they rattled past on PR's Ruta 1. I can imagine him running in that dust, under that sun.... And here he is, 29 years later. Nineteen stamps in his passport, medals on his chest, and the knowledge that he was both a good soldier and a good leader.

Everyone told me I had an awesome dad as if I didn't already know that. He's a good man, my Stinky. Hard-working, humble, human....

Anyway, the point is, I'm proud of him.

Insomnia

Songs I'm listening to and want to share:

NOTE: Seriously, don't think too much about these. I'm just enjoying a little music late at night.

1. "Stereo" by John Legend

Frequent readers know that I love this man's eyes. BEAUTIFUL man! I'm a huge fan of this song, too. You know how you think you know someone because you listen to their music or see them on tv? And how you fall in love with that persona? He's so good at explaining that.

2. "No" by Shakira

I love Shaki. I love this song. Sad, but there's still a toughness.

3. "A la primera persona" by Alejandro Sanz

Another one of my favorite singers. There's a melancholy to this one that I just feel; it's like I don't even have to pay attention to the lyrics, it's in the tone of his voice, in the feel of the video, in the music itself. Love it.

4. "Through the Wire" by Kanye West

I heart him. Scratch that, I have a serious crush on this man. Y'all know. This is my second favorite of his songs (Number one is "Jesus Walks"). In anticipation of the concert, I'm getting a little Ye love....

5. "Dumb it Down" by Lupe Fiasco

Sharp critique of the current state of hip hop. This man is a genius. Also looking forward to seeing him on Saturday.

6. "Pa' ti no estoy" Rosana

One of those great kiss off songs. Here's the other thing I love: music in Spanish from the Canary Islands. There's a nice international vibe to her music, even if the videos are disgustingly cheesy.

7. "Murder She Wrote" by Chaka Demus and Pliers

Hot, hot, hot. One of my all-time favorite songs to dance to. It's the sound of summer.

8. "Mi credo" by Tiziano Ferro and Pepe Aguilar

The sexy. Mmmmm, those voices.... This is one of those that I like in theory. It's nice to listen to, but I wouldn't actually live this one out, you know? A little over the top, but still a pretty song.


9. "Crossroads" by Tracy Chapman

I'm trying to protect what I keep inside. She's pretty much brilliant; her's is the kind of music that stands the test of time, you know?

10. "Frontin'" by Pharrell.

Classic. Nuff said.


As I'm looking back, it's pretty obvious that my musical tastes are pretty diverse.... I like MUSIC.

Yakkety Yak

This is why I love teaching:

JS, as he gets some more pretzel chips at the GC meeting: "This is how I keep the six pack." He then pats his belly and eats up.

H during a skit in which he portrays Rosaura from Como agua para chocolate (In response to ¿Cómo estás?): "Pues ahí más o menos, sólo que mi hermana me quiere quitar el marido." (Well, I'm alright, just that my sister wants to steal my husband)

T singing a slightly edited version of "Baby got Back": "Oh wait, you know that song?"

X in a discussion comparing Santiago Nasar from Crónica de una muerte anunciada to Julius Caesar: "Yo, Julius Caesar was a triple OG; he was like Tupac and Biggie."

D: "You know we're your favorite class, Ms. S."
Me: "Everyone thinks they're my favorite class."
D: "Yeah, but you know it's really us."
JZ: "Yeah, you know it is."
Pause.
JZ: "No really, who's your favorite?"

Kids are so funny. I wish I could remember all the other fabulous quotes I get from them, because they really do make my day....

Good read

I finally had time to read last weekend when I travelled to NYC (remind me to blog about that later....) and I had a book that came highly recommended. It's a big fatty, but I made time to sneak a chapter here and there throughout the week. I finally finished in on Friday.

So good.

So, so good.

The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak, is brilliant. He has a way of writing that makes you see the world differently. The verbs he uses seem a little unusual, and then you really think about it, and you're like: "YES! That's exactly what it does!" On point.

It's billed as a young adult book, but believe that it doesn't feel that way as you're reading. There's a toughness to it, a depth, that I don't usually associate with the schmaltz most of my students read.

Loved it.

Here are a few of my favorite lines:

"I have hated the words and
I have loved them,
and I hope I have made them right."
(page 528)

Brilliant, this one.

Read it.

Spring

Yamil's been gone for a little over three years.
Juan's been gone for two.

And, silly as it sounds, I lost my Cinnamon just last month.

This time of year I think too much.

This song gets to me everytime. I don't know why....

es3

Worst day.

First: Drama. The unnecessarily dramatic kind.

Second: Senioritis. The overwhelming, paralyzing kind.

Third: Pain. The razor-dragging-itself-down-my-insides kind.

Fourth: Lock down. The "This is not a drill" kind.

It takes a lot to scare me, but that message over the intercom fifteen minutes before the end of the school day did it for me. Heart fluttering into my throat; breathe, take control, you're in charge. Kids into the corner, sitting, quiet. Door locked, lights out: check, check.
Wait.
Minutes slip by.
"Ignore any bells or fire alarms"
More minutes.
- Ms. S?- -Yes?- -I need to go downstairs.- -I can't let you go downstairs. Your kids are okay; they're being taken care of.-
Sighs of frustration.
More minutes.
Noise from somewhere, no gunshots - good sign?
Minutes, minutes, minutes....

"All clear."

Release.

Breathe.

And the trembling subsides, heart descends to chest, sweat dries.



This year, this year.... We had weekly bomb threats for a while. More fights, more threats, a stabbing, this....

Oh, but it's May. Ya casi se ve la luz.

This one's for you....

Because I process by writing:

First, effin' A! It took over $28 to fill my tank. Mind you, I own a Toyota Corolla. That's ridiculous.

Second, there's this:

Apágalo.
Apaga ese chorro de emoción que te dijeron
que querían de ti.
Era mentira,
una de esas mentiritas piedosas que nos contamos
a nosotros mismos,
nadie quiere tu verdad.
Guárdate esos momentos de debilidad.
Escóndelos.
Escóndelos come te habían enseñado
desde un principio.
Aunque te digan que quieren
que seas una mujer de veras, una mujer de estrógeno, sentimiento y lágrimas,
eso sólo lo quieren cuando les conviene.
Guárdatelo.
Guarda ese dolor que se presenta
de vez en cuando
guarda esa estupidez femenina
que se cuela
guarda ese sentimiento
débil.
Manten esa fachada fuerte.
Aunque te digan que quieren verte de verdad,
alma desnuda,
corazón abierto,
son mentiras piadosas, de aquellas que nos contamos a nosotros mismos,
para lucir bien.
Ahora:
Arrepiéntete.
Haz tu penitencia.
Perdóname.
Por no ser la mujer que quiero ser,
perdóname.
Por no poder olvidar,
perdóname.
Por no tener control de mis sentimientos,
perdóname.
Por ser de carne y hueso,
perdóname.
Y si no puedes perdonar,
pues, hasta aquí nos trajo el río.

Quizás algún día seas tú la causa del dolor que se
interpone
cuando uno menos se lo espera.

Quizás ese día querrás mis sentimientos
pero ya los habré enterrado.

Sound check of the week....

Some songs to sum up what's going through my head lately:

1. At the risk of sounding oh-so-cliché, "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis

"I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you. They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth.... You cut me open." Who can't identify with that at some point?

2. "I Want You" by Common

Repeat performance for this song. It's just so HOT. "A hint of perfume that reminds me of you...I hope the gods and the stars align me and you."

3. "Hoy me voy" by Juanes

"Tú no supiste valorar lo que en verdad de daba yo.... Coraje me faltó para dejarte, tengo miedo de no olvidarte y por eso de ti me despido." You didn't know how to appreciate what I gave you truly.... I lacked the courage to leave you, I'm afraid I won't be able to forget you and that's why I'm saying goodbye.

4. "Si no te hubieras ido" by Maná

This is the Maná version of a Marco Antonio Solís classic. Good stuff, this. "No hay nada más difícil que vivir sin ti." There's nothing harder than living without you.