I guess it's just that I'm coming to a place where I realize how much further I
still have to go. Puerto Rico:S::Atlanta:Frances Joy. I love that I could throw
an analogy in there. Basically, you grappled with your issues and got a kick in
the pants in PR, my big changes started in the ATL.
I remember getting back
from Costa Rica and literally saying, "I don't want to be comfortable anymore".
And off I went. It was the hardest year of my life, but it was the one time in
my life where I've felt like I was in the perfect place at the perfect time and
doing things that really mattered. I kind of felt that way about work last year,
too.
This year has been much more of a struggle. Between J, all the changes
at work, the possibility of moving, the friction with my parents, and the attack
of the exes (meant with as much love as I have for you both); I've been faced
with all those rough edges that ATL had started sanding down. Does that make
sense?
Basically PR and ATL were a beginning. They were a turning point -
good times, good lessons - but by no means the end of the journey. Maybe it's
just a quarter-life crisis, coupled with a healthy dose of SAD in my case, but
better to do all this sorting out now than to do it at forty.
I know what I
want and I have some plans to get there. The thing is that I've been telling
myself I'm much more confident than I really am. I've still been hiding all
those broken things in me. There's a part of me that doesn't really believe I
deserve everything I want. The thing that I need to work on is realizing that it
doesn't matter if I deserve it or not. I'm rediscovering grace, I think, which
is still the hardest part of my faith for me to accept. Gosh, I'm a terrible
Christian... Ha, ha.
I think Philly is a big part of this transformation - I
mean, even the decision to go. It's easy to be comfortable, but I'm at that
point where I'm saying "I don't want to be comfortable - or even slightly
uncomfortable." I want to get kicked out of my element and thrown into my
future. I want to learn to deal with all those things that terrify me - to stand
in the face of those giants and stare them down. I've got to get some emotional
bb guns to match the physical ones. ;) I need to get some confidence that
doesn't rest on pretty or smart, or even pretty and smart; I need confidence
based in an assurance of unconditional love. I'm definitely grappling with some
spiritual issues here as well....
What I wish I could remember is that when
I'm on better footing with God, I'm on better footing in all areas of my life. I
think I kind of kicked Him out when I started getting involved with J. Not
kicked Him out, but pushed Him aside. When I do that, I lose that sense of worth
- it's an easy thing for me to lose. The main thing I remember about why ATL was
so right is because I stopped stressing over every aspect. I just let go and let
God handle it. I need to be better about that.
I really didn't mean for this
email to head in this direction, but that's where I ended up. Go figure. I
process by writing. Anyway, I talk too much, and I don't know if any of this
made sense at all, but that's where I'm at - similar to where you are, I
think.... Good to know I'm not the only one.
So that's me right now... Working on me, working on grace, working on love....
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